December 28, 2010
In the middle of the Mojave Desert, stopped at a 76 station, filling up the car with $3.79 a gallon gas. In the middle of nowhere, it’s as good a price as any! EsPEcially since I am, as I said, in the Mojave Desert. That means I am on the road, seeing new sights, having another new adventure. NOT that living in Albuquerque with my dad ISN’T! It IS. So much of an adventure that I’m thrilled to be in the middle of the Mojave Desert. J
Christmas was an absolutely transformative experience for me this year. Both of my sisters live here now, as do two of my nieces; my other niece flew in from New York with her husband and stepdaughter, and my nephew came in from “the Bay area” for 4 days.
Back in a few - listening to Mitch Hedberg for a while. Do you know who he is? Never heard of him, but he sounds good so far.
OH, my gosh! That guy was funny!!! Was, because he died a few years ago. Bummer. Funny, funny.
Now it’s the 30th, and a lot has happened. Decided Sunday morning that I wanted to go to California with my nephew; he was hauling a bunch of his belongings from my sister’s back to his place in Richmond, near SFO, and was going to do it all in 2 days by himself. Which seemed mammoth, AND I wanted a break from life as I knew it, take a roadtrip and get some new perspective. His plan was to leave Monday morning, which actually turned into Monday afternoon, a cold and gray day that made it seem even later. We had to be at his house and unloaded by Tuesday night, with minimum 16 hour drive. AND we did it. Drove 10-11 hours both days, stopping at a few places along the way to stretch, eat, and sightsee. Pretty cool sights. Cold, wet rain started about 3 hours out of San Francisco and continued all night, so unpacking his car (loaded to the hilt!) was a bit miserable. But again, it got done, and we ate and went to bed.
The trip was a good chance for us to be together, get caught up after not seeing each other for 4 years, and listen to some great music. One of my favorites that he had was George Harrison - first album he put out, and last album he put out. Wow. Really good listening. I’d never heard them before.
Now I’m waiting for a friend from my past to come pick me up and go spend a few days catching up and, I hope, resting!!! Seems that the last month has been nonstop. I put up decorations at dad’s house, as that’s something he hasn’t done in many years, and having lots of lights around has been a good addition. They add, well, light!, and he loves them, makes a big deal out of how they reflect off the white tile floor in the front hallway. Which IS pretty cool, actually! J Putting up the lights and tinsel, decorations and candles, was easy enough and fun to watch how they transformed the house, but something about the Manger scene really tugged at my emotions and made me edgy. It was strange. It was from that point that I started feeling sad, cranky, and impatient. Knowing that the energy of “the Season” had a lot to do with my feelings kept me from diving in too deeply, yet at the same time, it was impossible to just put them aside. So I had them.
Then I did a two day silent retreat, with meditation 7 hours a day. Whoa!!! As much as I swear by mediation, and do it regularly, the most I’d probably ever done at once was 45 minutes. So doing 50 minute meditations back to back for two days was a LOT!!! And to be in silence the whole time, too, was a big way of being with just me. Tough stint! Super rewarding, for sure, AND fatiguing at the same time. To be still and silent for a lot of hours lets the body and mind realize how tired they are, and so take full advantage of the down time. The five days between the Retreat and Christmas were full of “stuff” coming to the surface to be recognized and let go, and it was HARD!!! Especially with all the fervor around Christmas going on at the same time.
But everything seemed to work out in good time, and the two days that I spent with all my family were excellent; everyone was in a good mood, healthy, and glad to be together. The feeling of harmony was strong. It made me so glad to be a part of it, to have gotten though (or over) my fears and hurts with my family members, and to know that my intention for peace is showing up more and more in my life. That’s good news! It encourages me to continue plowing through the muck, anticipating good outcomes, and loving what is in front of me now so that the good will be even better.
Friend’s here. Happy day!!!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Back in time..........earlier unpublished updates............
Atlanta, IL
Yep, you read it right. I’m still in Illinois, in a town of 1800 (approximate population, latest census!), named after the, at the time, popular OTHER railroad city, Atlanta. It is, in some ways, charming, and in others, a bit dull and run down. The quiet and still that I feel here is both teeming with serenity and lacking in vitality. The first few days I was here, the weather was cold, dark, damp, and dreary. So was I. Until I finally took a hot bath and went to bed at 8:00 on the third night here, I felt in a stupor, unable to warm up anywhere. But I’m back on track now, as is the sunshine. Still brisk and cool outside, with the sun shining to offset the feeling of complete inner freeze. (The past two days, when venturing outside, I wore 5 or 6 layers, two of those being coats! What a wienie!)
This afternoon, I’ll ride over to the town (city?) of Lincoln, where my dad grew up, and where all of my relatives on his side are buried. A few cemeteries there are out in the open fields, on rolling hills with big, beautiful trees and nothing but stillness and silence. Quite lovely.
Monday, December 13, 2010
December 12,2010
December 12, 2010
It was awfully quiet out in the living room/ kitchen, so I started out there to see what dad was up to, if everything was OK (does this sound like role reversal or what?!). I can hear Frank Sinatra singing in the background, as he’s been listening to the All Frank station on his XM radio for the last few hours. (Which is SO much better than the blare of the TV.) That’s something that my dad and I both like - music from the 40‘s and 50‘s.
In the hall, before I got to the kitchen, I could see the walker first, then dad. He was dancing in his walker. He didn’t see me, and I ducked back, catching his reflection in the glass doors across from me in the living room. I stood there, watching him, mesmerized, feeling all the hostility, frustration, and anger that I have been feeling these last few weeks just melt, being replaced with such a tenderness and awe for him, with a glimpse into the young man that he was at one time (and clearly, in some way, still is), that I went back into my room and cried.
The past several weeks have been really trying. For some reason, I just could not stand to be around my dad, hated being in his house, and couldn’t get out of my own way for all of the rage, injustice, resentment, you Name it, that I was feeling. I tried praying my way through it, exercising, writing, meditating my through it, and temporarily, it all helped. But the underlying feeling was still there, and it has, in the last few days, reared its vicious, ugly head, and sent me spiraling downward with blinding speed and intensity. Nothing I told myself seemed to help, my faith in a higher power was shaky, and I was turning all the rage to myself. YIKES!!!!! At that point, I just decided to go with it, jump on the bandwagon, and give myself and all the powers that Be a good lashing out, reading of the riot act. Astonishingly, IT HELPED! I started feeling a lot better, and the throbbing in my head began to ease.
Rather than go back to the house (I was in my car going from point A to point B at this cathartic juncture!), I got a hotel room in town, took what I had with me, and “checked myself in” for the night. It took me a few hours to come back to a normal heart rate and level of awareness. All I could do for the first hour was just lie on the bed in a stupor and cry. It dawned on me then that I was REALLY tired
.
After coming to, I watched an episode of The Office, the tail end of a couple of movies, and half of a cartoon, then finally pulled out my notebook and started writing. Whatever came. Some of it seemed relevant, some just junk and gibberish. Some of it made me laugh, some of it made me cry, some of it made me wonder where it was coming from! Wrote, ate, konked out. G’nite.
Having the (next) morning to myself with no noise of any kind and a place to just be alone was powerful. Man! I have missed that so much!!!!!!!!!!! I used it to the fullest. Ate, walked, meditated, wrote some more, cried, stretched, worked on the computer, and got my thoughts organized. Before I left the hotel at noon, my whole demeanor, outlook, heart rate, self compassion, and hopefulness had changed dramatically. A few minor miracles happened before I even checked out; miracles that I know were a sign from all Those that I had yelled at vehemently the day before, charging them with abandonment and feigned support! I think that they needed to know I’m serious about making life better and loving, as much as I needed to know that they were there to help me with that goal! It’s all so mysterious and magical sometimes, I wonder if I just create these wound-up scenarios to test them (and me). If that’s the case, then once again, They (and I!) pass, as I am reminded of how much I am loved, supported, and protected by some power much bigger and compassionate (not to mention creative and abundant!) than my ego. And for that, I am grateful.
As I am for my dancing 86-year-old dad.
It was awfully quiet out in the living room/ kitchen, so I started out there to see what dad was up to, if everything was OK (does this sound like role reversal or what?!). I can hear Frank Sinatra singing in the background, as he’s been listening to the All Frank station on his XM radio for the last few hours. (Which is SO much better than the blare of the TV.) That’s something that my dad and I both like - music from the 40‘s and 50‘s.
In the hall, before I got to the kitchen, I could see the walker first, then dad. He was dancing in his walker. He didn’t see me, and I ducked back, catching his reflection in the glass doors across from me in the living room. I stood there, watching him, mesmerized, feeling all the hostility, frustration, and anger that I have been feeling these last few weeks just melt, being replaced with such a tenderness and awe for him, with a glimpse into the young man that he was at one time (and clearly, in some way, still is), that I went back into my room and cried.
The past several weeks have been really trying. For some reason, I just could not stand to be around my dad, hated being in his house, and couldn’t get out of my own way for all of the rage, injustice, resentment, you Name it, that I was feeling. I tried praying my way through it, exercising, writing, meditating my through it, and temporarily, it all helped. But the underlying feeling was still there, and it has, in the last few days, reared its vicious, ugly head, and sent me spiraling downward with blinding speed and intensity. Nothing I told myself seemed to help, my faith in a higher power was shaky, and I was turning all the rage to myself. YIKES!!!!! At that point, I just decided to go with it, jump on the bandwagon, and give myself and all the powers that Be a good lashing out, reading of the riot act. Astonishingly, IT HELPED! I started feeling a lot better, and the throbbing in my head began to ease.
Rather than go back to the house (I was in my car going from point A to point B at this cathartic juncture!), I got a hotel room in town, took what I had with me, and “checked myself in” for the night. It took me a few hours to come back to a normal heart rate and level of awareness. All I could do for the first hour was just lie on the bed in a stupor and cry. It dawned on me then that I was REALLY tired
.
After coming to, I watched an episode of The Office, the tail end of a couple of movies, and half of a cartoon, then finally pulled out my notebook and started writing. Whatever came. Some of it seemed relevant, some just junk and gibberish. Some of it made me laugh, some of it made me cry, some of it made me wonder where it was coming from! Wrote, ate, konked out. G’nite.
Having the (next) morning to myself with no noise of any kind and a place to just be alone was powerful. Man! I have missed that so much!!!!!!!!!!! I used it to the fullest. Ate, walked, meditated, wrote some more, cried, stretched, worked on the computer, and got my thoughts organized. Before I left the hotel at noon, my whole demeanor, outlook, heart rate, self compassion, and hopefulness had changed dramatically. A few minor miracles happened before I even checked out; miracles that I know were a sign from all Those that I had yelled at vehemently the day before, charging them with abandonment and feigned support! I think that they needed to know I’m serious about making life better and loving, as much as I needed to know that they were there to help me with that goal! It’s all so mysterious and magical sometimes, I wonder if I just create these wound-up scenarios to test them (and me). If that’s the case, then once again, They (and I!) pass, as I am reminded of how much I am loved, supported, and protected by some power much bigger and compassionate (not to mention creative and abundant!) than my ego. And for that, I am grateful.
As I am for my dancing 86-year-old dad.
Monday, November 15, 2010
November 5, 2010
November 5, 2010
Planes, trains, and automobiles. And a bike and a bus here and there. It has been a full vacation of transportation in several ways: Visiting my cousins, I have been transported back to my childhood; doing readings for the week in Chicago, I was transported to other worlds; and winding down my trip, I am now transported back to Chicago to catch my plane to Albuquerque.
Getting back to the big city will be nice, having a full day to do any sightseeing I didn’t get in last week. Ironically, I was staying last week with my friend at her condo that is right along the lakefront, overlooking the surrounding park and ocean-like water, and never made it any closer to the water than that!! (Funny, I realized this in doing a tarot card reading for myself, which I rarely do. But I’m in the dining car of the train, and got a cool diner-style booth with a big old table, and have been wanting to read my cards, so it’s perfect. And now I have the desktop table for typing. It’s all so divine!)
So today, my mission is to get to the lake. Or at least the Chicago river, which is down by Union Station where I’ll detrain.
Three hours from Lincoln (Illinois) to Chicago, and lots to see along the way. Barns, woods, old trucks, backyards, cemeteries, farmhouses, fields, and silos. Birdhouses, orchards, warehouses, roadways, church steeples, and playgrounds. It’s really great being in a different part of the country from where I live. It’s REALLY flat around here - you can see for miles across a field or down a railroad track!
A couple of times back in the 70’s, I took long train trips; one time, Amtrak ran a major sale - $33 per section, the US being divided into three sections. As I lived in Tallahassee at the time, I was in the Eastern third, so paid a whopping $99 and traveled for almost a month around the US, stopping everywhere I knew someone. I’d mapped out an itinerary which included nearly everyone I knew, and some I knew but hadn’t met (lots of relatives!). It was great! The trains were oftentimes nearly empty, so there’d be 2 or 3 of us to a car. On one trip from DC to NY, the other person in my car was about my age, way interesting, talkative, and in for the long haul just like I was. We became instant, fast friends.
OH, this is so funny! I haven’t thought about this for a while! We got to be such good friends, that we wound up on another train trip together some time later (two years, maybe? Details are hazy………..), and we stopped along the way to see his sister in……………..CHICAGO! I have a picture of us standing on a bridge over the river somewhere downtown. Wow. The more I write and think back, I have been in Chicago a bunch of times!!!! As my dad is a giant Cubs fan, and had family outside of Chicago, we visited the Windy City in my childhood a couple of times, I stopped there at least once on my Amtrak adventures, as a travel agent, I went with our agency for a “fam” trip in the 80’s, and about 7 years ago, stayed with a new friend (I’d met him through a buddy in Tucson the month before I was to go there; he offered his humble apartment for the one night I’d be there, and it was so fun! We drove in the rain to a dive bar to read at a poetry reading which never happened, so we went back to his home, fixed hot tea, and read poetry there. Wow. Those special moments that touch us the deepest, that are on the heels of dashed ‘plans’ and expectations! Thank you, God! J ) who also gave me a stellar tour of Oak Park and Frank Lloyd Wright buildings (which have fascinated me for decades…..). What a delight he was. I think it’s time to call him. OK, I’m thinking out loud here..
On that same trip, I met for an early dinner with two of the women I’d met on my trip to Egypt a few years before. SO!!! I see now that I seem to return again and again to Chicago. The next time I return, I want to spend more time along the lake, and attend some theatre. The theatre district there is spectacular!!!
On the Amtrak trip in 70 something, I stopped in probably 10 states, visiting everyone from my sister in New York, a couple of college apartment mates in Connecticut, and my step mom’s sister and her family in Minnesota, to a ninth- grade girlfriend in Oregon, and a slew of friends and family all over California. Ah, youth! J In spite of loving all the scenery along the way, I was often lulled to sleep by the sway of the train and the shirr of the wheels on the track. One trip was 23 hours long, and as I recall, I slept about 20 of those! Traveling does take a toll on me, no matter how young or old I am. (Hopefully, if I can keep traveling, I’ll be eternally young! J )
Indeed, that is something that has struck me soundly this trip - I need ‘down’ time after, and even when, traveling. Changing planes, sleeping and eating habits, environments, and time zones overloads my circuits, and though I’d like to think (and pretend) that I can take it all in and go right along with every activity all the time, I NEED the alone time and sleep that helps me get back into the present with balance, enthusiasm, and health.
(whew! That was a long sentence!) When I got to my cousin’s house after a full week in Chicago of walking, freezing, riding buses, taxis, and trains, being around a lot of new people, giving readings, and working at a higher vibration than normal, I was FRIED. Had no time to process everything before diving into a new scene. Since I didn’t realize or recognize (or probably, acknowledge) this, I was feeling (and acting!) impatient, antisocial, cranky, and mopey for two days before I crashed. My cousin refers to it as my meltdown. HA! If she only knew what a real meltdown is! J
Turns out, once I talked it out, that I was processing a lot from the past few weeks back in Albuquerque, as well as everything else. So God bless her for being there, letting me melt, come into where I was, where they were, to enjoy the rest of the time in appreciation and enjoyment. They were great. I was treated like a queen. Her husband, a hearty carnivore, upon noticing the overflowing vegetable drawers in his fridge (gotten for me and my quirky vegetarian/vegan habits….), grumbled, “It looks like a damned produce department in here!” Cracked me up.
I believe we’re nearing Chicago. More later. Blessings, Maria
Planes, trains, and automobiles. And a bike and a bus here and there. It has been a full vacation of transportation in several ways: Visiting my cousins, I have been transported back to my childhood; doing readings for the week in Chicago, I was transported to other worlds; and winding down my trip, I am now transported back to Chicago to catch my plane to Albuquerque.
Getting back to the big city will be nice, having a full day to do any sightseeing I didn’t get in last week. Ironically, I was staying last week with my friend at her condo that is right along the lakefront, overlooking the surrounding park and ocean-like water, and never made it any closer to the water than that!! (Funny, I realized this in doing a tarot card reading for myself, which I rarely do. But I’m in the dining car of the train, and got a cool diner-style booth with a big old table, and have been wanting to read my cards, so it’s perfect. And now I have the desktop table for typing. It’s all so divine!)
So today, my mission is to get to the lake. Or at least the Chicago river, which is down by Union Station where I’ll detrain.
Three hours from Lincoln (Illinois) to Chicago, and lots to see along the way. Barns, woods, old trucks, backyards, cemeteries, farmhouses, fields, and silos. Birdhouses, orchards, warehouses, roadways, church steeples, and playgrounds. It’s really great being in a different part of the country from where I live. It’s REALLY flat around here - you can see for miles across a field or down a railroad track!
A couple of times back in the 70’s, I took long train trips; one time, Amtrak ran a major sale - $33 per section, the US being divided into three sections. As I lived in Tallahassee at the time, I was in the Eastern third, so paid a whopping $99 and traveled for almost a month around the US, stopping everywhere I knew someone. I’d mapped out an itinerary which included nearly everyone I knew, and some I knew but hadn’t met (lots of relatives!). It was great! The trains were oftentimes nearly empty, so there’d be 2 or 3 of us to a car. On one trip from DC to NY, the other person in my car was about my age, way interesting, talkative, and in for the long haul just like I was. We became instant, fast friends.
OH, this is so funny! I haven’t thought about this for a while! We got to be such good friends, that we wound up on another train trip together some time later (two years, maybe? Details are hazy………..), and we stopped along the way to see his sister in……………..CHICAGO! I have a picture of us standing on a bridge over the river somewhere downtown. Wow. The more I write and think back, I have been in Chicago a bunch of times!!!! As my dad is a giant Cubs fan, and had family outside of Chicago, we visited the Windy City in my childhood a couple of times, I stopped there at least once on my Amtrak adventures, as a travel agent, I went with our agency for a “fam” trip in the 80’s, and about 7 years ago, stayed with a new friend (I’d met him through a buddy in Tucson the month before I was to go there; he offered his humble apartment for the one night I’d be there, and it was so fun! We drove in the rain to a dive bar to read at a poetry reading which never happened, so we went back to his home, fixed hot tea, and read poetry there. Wow. Those special moments that touch us the deepest, that are on the heels of dashed ‘plans’ and expectations! Thank you, God! J ) who also gave me a stellar tour of Oak Park and Frank Lloyd Wright buildings (which have fascinated me for decades…..). What a delight he was. I think it’s time to call him. OK, I’m thinking out loud here..
On that same trip, I met for an early dinner with two of the women I’d met on my trip to Egypt a few years before. SO!!! I see now that I seem to return again and again to Chicago. The next time I return, I want to spend more time along the lake, and attend some theatre. The theatre district there is spectacular!!!
On the Amtrak trip in 70 something, I stopped in probably 10 states, visiting everyone from my sister in New York, a couple of college apartment mates in Connecticut, and my step mom’s sister and her family in Minnesota, to a ninth- grade girlfriend in Oregon, and a slew of friends and family all over California. Ah, youth! J In spite of loving all the scenery along the way, I was often lulled to sleep by the sway of the train and the shirr of the wheels on the track. One trip was 23 hours long, and as I recall, I slept about 20 of those! Traveling does take a toll on me, no matter how young or old I am. (Hopefully, if I can keep traveling, I’ll be eternally young! J )
Indeed, that is something that has struck me soundly this trip - I need ‘down’ time after, and even when, traveling. Changing planes, sleeping and eating habits, environments, and time zones overloads my circuits, and though I’d like to think (and pretend) that I can take it all in and go right along with every activity all the time, I NEED the alone time and sleep that helps me get back into the present with balance, enthusiasm, and health.
(whew! That was a long sentence!) When I got to my cousin’s house after a full week in Chicago of walking, freezing, riding buses, taxis, and trains, being around a lot of new people, giving readings, and working at a higher vibration than normal, I was FRIED. Had no time to process everything before diving into a new scene. Since I didn’t realize or recognize (or probably, acknowledge) this, I was feeling (and acting!) impatient, antisocial, cranky, and mopey for two days before I crashed. My cousin refers to it as my meltdown. HA! If she only knew what a real meltdown is! J
Turns out, once I talked it out, that I was processing a lot from the past few weeks back in Albuquerque, as well as everything else. So God bless her for being there, letting me melt, come into where I was, where they were, to enjoy the rest of the time in appreciation and enjoyment. They were great. I was treated like a queen. Her husband, a hearty carnivore, upon noticing the overflowing vegetable drawers in his fridge (gotten for me and my quirky vegetarian/vegan habits….), grumbled, “It looks like a damned produce department in here!” Cracked me up.
I believe we’re nearing Chicago. More later. Blessings, Maria
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