December 28, 2010
In the middle of the Mojave Desert, stopped at a 76 station, filling up the car with $3.79 a gallon gas. In the middle of nowhere, it’s as good a price as any! EsPEcially since I am, as I said, in the Mojave Desert. That means I am on the road, seeing new sights, having another new adventure. NOT that living in Albuquerque with my dad ISN’T! It IS. So much of an adventure that I’m thrilled to be in the middle of the Mojave Desert. J
Christmas was an absolutely transformative experience for me this year. Both of my sisters live here now, as do two of my nieces; my other niece flew in from New York with her husband and stepdaughter, and my nephew came in from “the Bay area” for 4 days.
Back in a few - listening to Mitch Hedberg for a while. Do you know who he is? Never heard of him, but he sounds good so far.
OH, my gosh! That guy was funny!!! Was, because he died a few years ago. Bummer. Funny, funny.
Now it’s the 30th, and a lot has happened. Decided Sunday morning that I wanted to go to California with my nephew; he was hauling a bunch of his belongings from my sister’s back to his place in Richmond, near SFO, and was going to do it all in 2 days by himself. Which seemed mammoth, AND I wanted a break from life as I knew it, take a roadtrip and get some new perspective. His plan was to leave Monday morning, which actually turned into Monday afternoon, a cold and gray day that made it seem even later. We had to be at his house and unloaded by Tuesday night, with minimum 16 hour drive. AND we did it. Drove 10-11 hours both days, stopping at a few places along the way to stretch, eat, and sightsee. Pretty cool sights. Cold, wet rain started about 3 hours out of San Francisco and continued all night, so unpacking his car (loaded to the hilt!) was a bit miserable. But again, it got done, and we ate and went to bed.
The trip was a good chance for us to be together, get caught up after not seeing each other for 4 years, and listen to some great music. One of my favorites that he had was George Harrison - first album he put out, and last album he put out. Wow. Really good listening. I’d never heard them before.
Now I’m waiting for a friend from my past to come pick me up and go spend a few days catching up and, I hope, resting!!! Seems that the last month has been nonstop. I put up decorations at dad’s house, as that’s something he hasn’t done in many years, and having lots of lights around has been a good addition. They add, well, light!, and he loves them, makes a big deal out of how they reflect off the white tile floor in the front hallway. Which IS pretty cool, actually! J Putting up the lights and tinsel, decorations and candles, was easy enough and fun to watch how they transformed the house, but something about the Manger scene really tugged at my emotions and made me edgy. It was strange. It was from that point that I started feeling sad, cranky, and impatient. Knowing that the energy of “the Season” had a lot to do with my feelings kept me from diving in too deeply, yet at the same time, it was impossible to just put them aside. So I had them.
Then I did a two day silent retreat, with meditation 7 hours a day. Whoa!!! As much as I swear by mediation, and do it regularly, the most I’d probably ever done at once was 45 minutes. So doing 50 minute meditations back to back for two days was a LOT!!! And to be in silence the whole time, too, was a big way of being with just me. Tough stint! Super rewarding, for sure, AND fatiguing at the same time. To be still and silent for a lot of hours lets the body and mind realize how tired they are, and so take full advantage of the down time. The five days between the Retreat and Christmas were full of “stuff” coming to the surface to be recognized and let go, and it was HARD!!! Especially with all the fervor around Christmas going on at the same time.
But everything seemed to work out in good time, and the two days that I spent with all my family were excellent; everyone was in a good mood, healthy, and glad to be together. The feeling of harmony was strong. It made me so glad to be a part of it, to have gotten though (or over) my fears and hurts with my family members, and to know that my intention for peace is showing up more and more in my life. That’s good news! It encourages me to continue plowing through the muck, anticipating good outcomes, and loving what is in front of me now so that the good will be even better.
Friend’s here. Happy day!!!!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Back in time..........earlier unpublished updates............
Atlanta, IL
Yep, you read it right. I’m still in Illinois, in a town of 1800 (approximate population, latest census!), named after the, at the time, popular OTHER railroad city, Atlanta. It is, in some ways, charming, and in others, a bit dull and run down. The quiet and still that I feel here is both teeming with serenity and lacking in vitality. The first few days I was here, the weather was cold, dark, damp, and dreary. So was I. Until I finally took a hot bath and went to bed at 8:00 on the third night here, I felt in a stupor, unable to warm up anywhere. But I’m back on track now, as is the sunshine. Still brisk and cool outside, with the sun shining to offset the feeling of complete inner freeze. (The past two days, when venturing outside, I wore 5 or 6 layers, two of those being coats! What a wienie!)
This afternoon, I’ll ride over to the town (city?) of Lincoln, where my dad grew up, and where all of my relatives on his side are buried. A few cemeteries there are out in the open fields, on rolling hills with big, beautiful trees and nothing but stillness and silence. Quite lovely.
Monday, December 13, 2010
December 12,2010
December 12, 2010
It was awfully quiet out in the living room/ kitchen, so I started out there to see what dad was up to, if everything was OK (does this sound like role reversal or what?!). I can hear Frank Sinatra singing in the background, as he’s been listening to the All Frank station on his XM radio for the last few hours. (Which is SO much better than the blare of the TV.) That’s something that my dad and I both like - music from the 40‘s and 50‘s.
In the hall, before I got to the kitchen, I could see the walker first, then dad. He was dancing in his walker. He didn’t see me, and I ducked back, catching his reflection in the glass doors across from me in the living room. I stood there, watching him, mesmerized, feeling all the hostility, frustration, and anger that I have been feeling these last few weeks just melt, being replaced with such a tenderness and awe for him, with a glimpse into the young man that he was at one time (and clearly, in some way, still is), that I went back into my room and cried.
The past several weeks have been really trying. For some reason, I just could not stand to be around my dad, hated being in his house, and couldn’t get out of my own way for all of the rage, injustice, resentment, you Name it, that I was feeling. I tried praying my way through it, exercising, writing, meditating my through it, and temporarily, it all helped. But the underlying feeling was still there, and it has, in the last few days, reared its vicious, ugly head, and sent me spiraling downward with blinding speed and intensity. Nothing I told myself seemed to help, my faith in a higher power was shaky, and I was turning all the rage to myself. YIKES!!!!! At that point, I just decided to go with it, jump on the bandwagon, and give myself and all the powers that Be a good lashing out, reading of the riot act. Astonishingly, IT HELPED! I started feeling a lot better, and the throbbing in my head began to ease.
Rather than go back to the house (I was in my car going from point A to point B at this cathartic juncture!), I got a hotel room in town, took what I had with me, and “checked myself in” for the night. It took me a few hours to come back to a normal heart rate and level of awareness. All I could do for the first hour was just lie on the bed in a stupor and cry. It dawned on me then that I was REALLY tired
.
After coming to, I watched an episode of The Office, the tail end of a couple of movies, and half of a cartoon, then finally pulled out my notebook and started writing. Whatever came. Some of it seemed relevant, some just junk and gibberish. Some of it made me laugh, some of it made me cry, some of it made me wonder where it was coming from! Wrote, ate, konked out. G’nite.
Having the (next) morning to myself with no noise of any kind and a place to just be alone was powerful. Man! I have missed that so much!!!!!!!!!!! I used it to the fullest. Ate, walked, meditated, wrote some more, cried, stretched, worked on the computer, and got my thoughts organized. Before I left the hotel at noon, my whole demeanor, outlook, heart rate, self compassion, and hopefulness had changed dramatically. A few minor miracles happened before I even checked out; miracles that I know were a sign from all Those that I had yelled at vehemently the day before, charging them with abandonment and feigned support! I think that they needed to know I’m serious about making life better and loving, as much as I needed to know that they were there to help me with that goal! It’s all so mysterious and magical sometimes, I wonder if I just create these wound-up scenarios to test them (and me). If that’s the case, then once again, They (and I!) pass, as I am reminded of how much I am loved, supported, and protected by some power much bigger and compassionate (not to mention creative and abundant!) than my ego. And for that, I am grateful.
As I am for my dancing 86-year-old dad.
It was awfully quiet out in the living room/ kitchen, so I started out there to see what dad was up to, if everything was OK (does this sound like role reversal or what?!). I can hear Frank Sinatra singing in the background, as he’s been listening to the All Frank station on his XM radio for the last few hours. (Which is SO much better than the blare of the TV.) That’s something that my dad and I both like - music from the 40‘s and 50‘s.
In the hall, before I got to the kitchen, I could see the walker first, then dad. He was dancing in his walker. He didn’t see me, and I ducked back, catching his reflection in the glass doors across from me in the living room. I stood there, watching him, mesmerized, feeling all the hostility, frustration, and anger that I have been feeling these last few weeks just melt, being replaced with such a tenderness and awe for him, with a glimpse into the young man that he was at one time (and clearly, in some way, still is), that I went back into my room and cried.
The past several weeks have been really trying. For some reason, I just could not stand to be around my dad, hated being in his house, and couldn’t get out of my own way for all of the rage, injustice, resentment, you Name it, that I was feeling. I tried praying my way through it, exercising, writing, meditating my through it, and temporarily, it all helped. But the underlying feeling was still there, and it has, in the last few days, reared its vicious, ugly head, and sent me spiraling downward with blinding speed and intensity. Nothing I told myself seemed to help, my faith in a higher power was shaky, and I was turning all the rage to myself. YIKES!!!!! At that point, I just decided to go with it, jump on the bandwagon, and give myself and all the powers that Be a good lashing out, reading of the riot act. Astonishingly, IT HELPED! I started feeling a lot better, and the throbbing in my head began to ease.
Rather than go back to the house (I was in my car going from point A to point B at this cathartic juncture!), I got a hotel room in town, took what I had with me, and “checked myself in” for the night. It took me a few hours to come back to a normal heart rate and level of awareness. All I could do for the first hour was just lie on the bed in a stupor and cry. It dawned on me then that I was REALLY tired
.
After coming to, I watched an episode of The Office, the tail end of a couple of movies, and half of a cartoon, then finally pulled out my notebook and started writing. Whatever came. Some of it seemed relevant, some just junk and gibberish. Some of it made me laugh, some of it made me cry, some of it made me wonder where it was coming from! Wrote, ate, konked out. G’nite.
Having the (next) morning to myself with no noise of any kind and a place to just be alone was powerful. Man! I have missed that so much!!!!!!!!!!! I used it to the fullest. Ate, walked, meditated, wrote some more, cried, stretched, worked on the computer, and got my thoughts organized. Before I left the hotel at noon, my whole demeanor, outlook, heart rate, self compassion, and hopefulness had changed dramatically. A few minor miracles happened before I even checked out; miracles that I know were a sign from all Those that I had yelled at vehemently the day before, charging them with abandonment and feigned support! I think that they needed to know I’m serious about making life better and loving, as much as I needed to know that they were there to help me with that goal! It’s all so mysterious and magical sometimes, I wonder if I just create these wound-up scenarios to test them (and me). If that’s the case, then once again, They (and I!) pass, as I am reminded of how much I am loved, supported, and protected by some power much bigger and compassionate (not to mention creative and abundant!) than my ego. And for that, I am grateful.
As I am for my dancing 86-year-old dad.
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