Finding what I need........

April 6, 2011

I'm surprised at how closely tied I feel to my computer.  It's been on the fritz for almost two weeks, and the frustrating part is that it kind of works, but then quits.  Just enough to keep me trying.  If I just leave it off and don't use it or think about it, I still live life, and still have what I need.  And then some. This is curious.
Life is curious. 

I keep lots of paper and pens, notebooks and pencils around - in my purse, backpack, and car.  Lots of things written down that every now and then, I go back over and read.  One thing I saw yesterday was the lyric from a song on a Christian radio that I heard some weeks back.  I loved it, wrote it down......................

"We pour out our miseries,
God hears a melody.
Beautiful, the mess we are:
the honest cries, the broken heart,                             
are better than an alleluia, sometimes."

The melody was cool, too!

I also found this, written, probably, in a parking lot somewhere, with the music on.............

Hoping for deliverance
caught in the undertow -
Bad weather's moving in -
Heartache's scrambling for a way out.

Memorizing words of gratitude
in case I'm forgetful
on my way out.

Holy cow, the dairy's in my past.
No one's counting calories -
let the corn chips fall where they may.

Hopin' I'll open the checkbook and
find black therein.

Maybe wishing's not the right way out -
maybe wanting's not the first choice in decisions -\
making up ways to downshift on the
way -too-steep grade.
Nothing's holiding me back -
I just can't run any faster.

No one's any closer to the finish line
than anyone else.
We're taking steps towards our own lives -
nothing ventured, nothing gained.

That's it for now!!!!  Blessings to you!!! 

Cool clouds............

April 3, 2011        

You wanna see something cool?  Whenever there's a cirrus cloud right by the sun, block out the sun with your hand, and look up at the cloud through sunglasses.  There will likely be a blend of turquoise, hot pink, and green swirling around the cloud.  You can achieve much the same effect by looking at the sun through a pigeon or dove feather! 

I took a pic of just this, through my sunglasses - gives you an idea, anyway.  Enjoy!!!  

"Your wake-up call...."

April 1, 2011

          It is so easy to feel like we don’t matter.

          That we’re not doing enough.

          That we could disappear and no one would notice.

Ok, that last one’s a little extreme, but it’s probably safe to say that we’ve all felt like that at some time (I was going to write ‘at one time or another.’  Is that the same as “at sometime?”)

This week has been one of some freedom, release, and pure pleasure for me.  I had a place all to myself for a whole week.  I left dad’s house on Friday and will return tomorrow, Saturday.  I had a week of just me.  (Yeah, just me and my thoughts! J)  It was wonderful!!!  And interestingly, as much as I’d thought it would look like something of a vacation – sleeping in, watching some movies, writing, drawing – it was actually a really productive week that allowed me to push through some limits and open new doors. Aaahh!!   And so, as life is, just as I stepped over a few speed bumps, my voices of “Oh, no!!!  NOW what!?” started clamoring around, and I started feeling that cry of, “Why bother??  No one will 1) notice, 2) care, or (YIKES!) 3)WANT YOU.  (Ugh.  Having just discovered this as a predominant voice somewhere inside of me, my heart is sad!  AND now I know it’s there……)

So I was easily lured into the familiar conversation (No…..MONOlogue!) of “I don’t matter.”  This especially shows up with my commitment to writing and sharing it on my blog.  There seem to be so many things that get in the way of a decision / commitment.  I guess it’s safe to say that that’s a good way to tell if I’m committed to something – I see a lot of “stuff” show up that could easily keep me from it.  I guess our commitments want to see how serious we are, and in a way, test us and our resolve.

Between my computer getting a virus, me being in a strange tailspin most of the time, and my fear of putting my words out to be seen by others (ooh!  didn’t know THAT was there til just now…), I have let writing go by the wayside for many days in a row.  I figured, “Why bother?  Who really reads it anyway?”  Wow.  Not too productive.  So I grabbed my notebook and started writing down some ideas to get back on track to feel positive and to make a difference, doing something that I love.  Just then, the phone in my room rang.

10:42. I figured it was the front desk man reminding me of my noon checkout. 

“Hello?”

Automated voice.

“This is your wake-up call.”

“What?!”  I hung up and just stood there for a few seconds, not sure exactly what just happened, then just cracked UP!!!  Is Life just hilarious or What?!

So now that I was awake (J), I went to the lobby and checked my email, and there in front of me was a long, beautiful letter from a friend in Tucson, telling me that she loves reading my blogs!  That the last one I wrote inspired her to tell the truth to some of her family members, in the way of letting them know what she needed from them.  AND she wanted to buy one of the drawings I’d done!  Wow.  When you least expect it. 

What did I get from this?  That we DO matter, and even when we don’t know it, we are always touching someone in some way.  Everything that we do matters and is important.  That sometimes, we / I can be fortunate enough to hear the confirmation of our beliefs and hopes. 

And that it is best if I write every day, whether I share it or not, whether I think it is of significance or not.  That what moves through my pen is not about me.  It is about moving Spirit energy, and doing what I love to do as an affirmation of what my gifts are.  In doing what I can do, I am open to finding more of what I can do that I don’t know yet.  I’m excited!   Thank you for caring, and for doing something that you love, even when you don’t think anyone else notices or cares.  YOU do, and that is what matters most!