On Jan's back porch...

July 27, 2011

In one month, I’ll be 56. Today, I feel much older, less wise. Almost two months ago, I left Albuquerque and my dad and sisters, and headed to Destin, Florida, thrilled to be coming to live by the ocean (actually, here, it’s the Gulf, but I like the word Ocean better!), where I’ve dreamed of living for most of my adult life. Now I’m here, wondering what possessed me to just load up and come to where I knew only two people, had no work lined up, and no idea of where to live or what was available. I’ve been in struggle, fear, loneliness, and angst since I got here. Oh, there are days of contentment and of feeling certain that this is where I need to be, but a lot of what I thought would be, hasn’t been.

Interestingly, on the trip here, about 4 days on the road, nothing that I’d thought would happen (all worst-case scenarios) happened. Nearly everything went fine: my cat traveled really well, my bike stayed on the bike rack, the car ran great, I never got lost, hotel rooms were available (and cat friendly!), the AC worked (it was HOT in Texas!), and driving 8-10 hours a day was easy enough for me.

In the days and weeks before I left Albuquerque, I was in panic and fear most of the time. It was awful! I went to sleep in anxiety, and woke in the same state, worrying about all the things that wouldn‘t work out and that could go wrong. At some point, I suppose I surrendered, knowing that I WAS leaving, and that how it would turn out would be, well, how it turned out! My biggest concern was Angel, my cat, and she turned out to be true to her name - she rode well in the car, adapted to hotel rooms easily enough, and even took to being on a leash when she was outside. She never tried to run away or crawl under the furniture. She was great!

Now, I’m on the back porch at my friend’s house, on a dark and gloomy, rainy day, knowing that it’s time for me to go, to find my own place to live. Which has been Much easier said than done. After two weeks of answering newspaper ads, visiting Craiglist.org, dealing with realtors and rental agencies, driving around, asking friends of friends, and praying a lot, I am still coming up with nothing, nowhere feasible to move into. It’s more than a little disconcerting - my stomach has hurt for three days, and the feeling of hopelessness is showing up more and more on my doorstep. Well, on my friend’s doorstep! I don’t have one yet.

“This, too, shall pass.” I know.

I just got a job last week (yea!), four days after I received my FL massage license in the mail - with a business that does beachside massage (“I love my office!,” the owner often says….). It has rained the last 2 of 3 days, which means no work; there is rain in the forecast for the next 3 days. Ugh. SOMETHING is going on! There’s too much that’s not happening!. My forehead is feeling bruised from all the walls I’ve been hitting. Very strange. “There’s gotta be a pony in here somewhere!”

So I’m writing about it to get it out of my head, letting something else in the way of possibility take its place. I figure that with this much not happening, behind so much effort, either A) I am REALLY missing something, or B) something is brewing up ahead that is better than what I’ve been striving for. I once heard that God never says NO, but one of three other answers. 1) Not now 2) Not yet 3) Not this, something better.
I’ve been around long enough to know that anything can change in a minute! And that really, there is a reason for everything, whether I ever figure it out or not. So I am trying to not take this all too seriously or too personally, to focus on what I DO want, and know that I am supported and protected by those seen and unseen. And loved.

We are never alone.

July 20, 2011 -Relocated to Florida..................

It's been a wild year.  To say the least.  After living with my dad in Albuquerque for 11 months, I decided my work there was done, and my time for moving on had arrived.  It was time for me to really go where I've wanted to go for the better part of my life - the ocean!!  It has always just been a dream, too big to realize, something far off in never-never land, and somehow, for whatever reason, unattainable.  But my options were wide open, and I needed something positive and life-affirming after a really difficult year with my father.  My friend, Jan, lives in Destin, and told me to "come on out" and I took her up on her offer.

Got all my dad's affairs in order, cleared up what I needed to in Albuquerque, and once again, packed my car, and headed east to Florida.  My car and my cat did GREAT on the trip, exceeding my wildest expectations (which were actually low; I was really anxious about what might go wrong......).  It was the best thing I could have done.  I feel so at home here, and though I am still finding my way, keeping my head above water (so to speak!!) financially, and missing friendship, I know that this is where I am supposed to be.  It is SO beautiful!  There is water EVERYwhere!!!! 

It has been frustrating, OH so frustrating, to find ways to earn income here.  Which is crazy, as there are literally millions of people that come here over the months of summer, and do pretty much nothing but spend money - lots of it.  I have filled out applications, typed up resumes, had interviews, passed out flyers, made cold calls, taken tests, etc., etc, since the day I got here, and all I have to show for it now is a waitress job (which is actually really fun!) that is part time.  It's all divine, and I'm taking it a day at a time, getting from it what I can, and giving in it what I can.  I think it's about really "finding my passion" and pursuing that.  Which, when I really know it, will not require pursuing at all, right?  It will just show up.................

So in the meantime, I am happy to be doing some awesome telephone, long-distance readings all around the US, which is DEFinitely a passion!!!  It is all unfolding as it should, and as it does, I get to be surrounded by waves, bridges, rain, boats, sand, and dripping pink sunrises and sunsets!!!! 

Blessings to you for a splendid summer!!!