July 27, 2011
In one month, I’ll be 56. Today, I feel much older, less wise. Almost two months ago, I left Albuquerque and my dad and sisters, and headed to Destin, Florida, thrilled to be coming to live by the ocean (actually, here, it’s the Gulf, but I like the word Ocean better!), where I’ve dreamed of living for most of my adult life. Now I’m here, wondering what possessed me to just load up and come to where I knew only two people, had no work lined up, and no idea of where to live or what was available. I’ve been in struggle, fear, loneliness, and angst since I got here. Oh, there are days of contentment and of feeling certain that this is where I need to be, but a lot of what I thought would be, hasn’t been.
Interestingly, on the trip here, about 4 days on the road, nothing that I’d thought would happen (all worst-case scenarios) happened. Nearly everything went fine: my cat traveled really well, my bike stayed on the bike rack, the car ran great, I never got lost, hotel rooms were available (and cat friendly!), the AC worked (it was HOT in Texas!), and driving 8-10 hours a day was easy enough for me.
In the days and weeks before I left Albuquerque, I was in panic and fear most of the time. It was awful! I went to sleep in anxiety, and woke in the same state, worrying about all the things that wouldn‘t work out and that could go wrong. At some point, I suppose I surrendered, knowing that I WAS leaving, and that how it would turn out would be, well, how it turned out! My biggest concern was Angel, my cat, and she turned out to be true to her name - she rode well in the car, adapted to hotel rooms easily enough, and even took to being on a leash when she was outside. She never tried to run away or crawl under the furniture. She was great!
Now, I’m on the back porch at my friend’s house, on a dark and gloomy, rainy day, knowing that it’s time for me to go, to find my own place to live. Which has been Much easier said than done. After two weeks of answering newspaper ads, visiting Craiglist.org, dealing with realtors and rental agencies, driving around, asking friends of friends, and praying a lot, I am still coming up with nothing, nowhere feasible to move into. It’s more than a little disconcerting - my stomach has hurt for three days, and the feeling of hopelessness is showing up more and more on my doorstep. Well, on my friend’s doorstep! I don’t have one yet.
“This, too, shall pass.” I know.
I just got a job last week (yea!), four days after I received my FL massage license in the mail - with a business that does beachside massage (“I love my office!,” the owner often says….). It has rained the last 2 of 3 days, which means no work; there is rain in the forecast for the next 3 days. Ugh. SOMETHING is going on! There’s too much that’s not happening!. My forehead is feeling bruised from all the walls I’ve been hitting. Very strange. “There’s gotta be a pony in here somewhere!”
So I’m writing about it to get it out of my head, letting something else in the way of possibility take its place. I figure that with this much not happening, behind so much effort, either A) I am REALLY missing something, or B) something is brewing up ahead that is better than what I’ve been striving for. I once heard that God never says NO, but one of three other answers. 1) Not now 2) Not yet 3) Not this, something better.
I’ve been around long enough to know that anything can change in a minute! And that really, there is a reason for everything, whether I ever figure it out or not. So I am trying to not take this all too seriously or too personally, to focus on what I DO want, and know that I am supported and protected by those seen and unseen. And loved.
We are never alone.
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