March 15, 2011
From journaling............
What I learned this weekend….
I’m never alone.
All I ask for, I receive.
I’m always “on track.”
There’s magic everywhere - even if I don’t see it.
Someone’s always going to love me.
Someone’s always new to me.
There’s always a way out, through, and around!
Most of my fears don’t happen.
Most of my fears are unreal.
None of my fears are real.
There are lots of enemies to vanquish.
No one’s as happy as they seem.
All ways of sleeping are good.
Magic’s all in my believing.
Truth’s the best way, all ways.
No matter’s too big for me to tackle.
My mother’s always with me.
My arms are strong.
Most of my wishes are already here.
Telling myself the truth helps a lot.
There are plenty of options always.
If I’m alone, I’m always happy.
Thinking things out is a good way to be busy.
Watching the sunset’s a therapy.
My mind’s busier than my stomach.
Will I ever really “get” this life?
Many messages come for me.
The best way of recovering is to be alone, and with myself.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Spirit's gifts................
November 3, 2011
Spirit gifted me with a ten-day vacation, and I mistook it for a punishment, a trip to hell. If I didn’t know how great God forgives, I would be embarrassed. Somewhere along the way, though, I suspected that I was in the middle of a huge hug, an opportunity that I’d wished for, dreamed of, for years. And would revel in it for a while from time to time. Greatly.
I went and lay on the beach one day, for an hour, in the MIDDLE of the day! On a WEEKday! And I took yoga classes across the bridge several times. I went and walked on the beach and sat in meditation on Thursday. I watched all the past episodes of Parks and Recreation that I’d missed from Season Three. I got a pedicure and gave a massage.
And then my brain, my Beta brain (the thinker, analyzer, complainer, criticizer….) showed back up, reciting all its old verses of “What if….” and “OH, NO!” and “You’ll never….” and “You’ve gotta DO something”! “NOW!” And I was back in the fear, angst, disappointment, frustration, and downright depression that are side-effects of listening to it. It is the voice that reminds me to compare myself to others, recall and highlight past failures, and focus strictly on what is NOT. Huge crazy-making, for sure. There are ways around it, and sometimes I actually remember to use them and avoid the pain and damage that it can bring. As I had done earlier in the week. I had a great insight!
Of all the things that go right in my life, and all the things that show up as abundance, there is one that lingers and hovers that is about “not enough.” It is my finances, my “money issues.” And it is one tough booger who will not be dismissed easily. Or with force. It is just here for me, and as far as I can remember, always has been. No matter how much I work or don’t work, spend or don’t spend, budget, travel, scrimp, splurge, etc. (YOU get the idea!), I seem to come up short pretty much all the time. Never enough. Oh, there have been times when I was rolling in the dough (and loving it!), but those times always ended, and reverted back to struggle and lack. Believe me, I’ve done a ton of work around this, and still can’t seem to change the tide. SO I decided last week that that’s just part of my life now. Being angry about it hasn’t changed it. Working more, striving more, pushing more haven’t changed it. Worrying about it hasn’t changed it. Not worrying about it hasn’t changed it. So I decided to throw in the towel, accept what was and go on living life like it didn’t matter. Because clearly, it doesn’t. My finances have a mind of their own, and some sort of lesson for me to learn, but to date, I have not found what that is, so I decided to let it be. And the freedom and relief that I felt were huge! I felt like I’d just been let out of prison with a parting gift to boot! I spent two days just doing what I wanted to do. I went out to lunch at a real restaurant! I bought a new bra and a camera battery! I bought flowers, potting soil and a pot! Yes, I went crazy! J Pros in the business will tell you to do what you’d do if you were wealthy, with no money worries, and the brain will be tricked and thus begin to attract wealth your way. A natural law of the universe, power of attraction. So I went with it. And was having a great time. Not really magnetizing any big bucks my way, but really enjoying the experience of actually having what I wanted without the scrutinizing boss haranguing away at my head all the time. And feeling good about life in general. Imagine that!
And then, when I wasn’t on the lookout, the Beta brain took over. Was I in the shower and singing too loudly? Was there thunder outside that was really loud? Or was I just having too good a time, trusting too much in life and the goodness of the universe, that I will always have what I need and want? I dare think it to be the latter. For boom! There it was. The reminder that I hadn’t worked in FOUR days! Hadn’t generated any income or prospects of income that WHOLE time! WHAT was I THINKing!!!!????? It sideswiped me and took my breath away. I froze in fear and worry, believing its barreling voice and convincing arguments. I quit getting up at 5a to exercise and meditate. I counted all my money to make sure I had enough (or to remind myself that it WASN’T enough is more like it!). I went to work on more ideas of ways to start working more and bringing in income while the slow season for massage held on. Sometimes, this process can be invigorating and exciting, giving me a nudge toward the new and untried. And sometimes (more and more), it is just a reminder of how much work I do for so little return, and is exhausting. This is currently the feeling. I’m exhausted. Of pushing and trying, of just missing the boat, of not having what I need, and of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s discouraging, and all of that is what hit me a few days ago. It hit me hard, knocked me to my knees, and left me staggering without a hope in the world of reversing or resolving it. My body starting hurting. My right shoulder, overnight, developed a stabbing pain that didn’t allow me to move it much at all.
So rather than do what I WANTED to do, curl up in a ball in a dark room, in bed, I decided to go to a yoga class, and move my body, be among other people, and do my best to come out of my funk for a while. The cloud lifted a bit, and then I could feel the tears and the nausea moving around, shouting out for attention. Letting the tears come as they would, I just sat and cried, and then again, sat and breathed until the stabbing pain in my stomach subsided some. Finally, I had to just lie on the floor and close my eyes. It was in that place that a different voice came to me. The voice of ME, my spirit, my God self, I suppose. “You are TRYING so hard!! We are giving you gifts of freedom, yet you insist on hanging on to the past. You are holding on so tightly, that is why your shoulder is so sore. Let go! Let go! Surrender. That’s what it’s all about. Surrender.” Wow! It just made so much sense, and in that moment of hearing this great logic, I just let loose, bawled, and knew it was pure truth. My body relaxed, my heart relaxed, my mind relaxed! It was a terrific sensation, for sure. The part of me that committed to surrender lay there a while longer on the mat, while the thinking part of me was not sure what just happened and wanted to leap up, embarrassed for the diversion from the “normal” practice for the hour. Luckily, though, we both stayed there and let be what was. Within a few hours, my shoulder was nearly back to its usual fluid self. Amazing.
So I am still going in and out of the blues, uncertainty, fear, etc., but feel more and more that I AM being given a vacation to do whatever I want to do to make me happy, let my spirit be free and relaxed, and trust that I will have plenty to do very soon. That NOW is a time to live without worry, and to immerse myself in meditation and prayer, exercise, dance, and writing, so that my soul can see what is important to me and give me lots of it.
Hence, this writing. It frees the words from my mind, to allow something else to move through it and manifest in magical ways. It has taken me almost two weeks to sit and do this, despite the fact that I am writing articles, stories, observations, and antidotes all the time in my head. I love to write. It lets me bring life to the page, the page to the life that I live. I find it to be a most fascinating life, and one worth sharing. I dream of writing for a living, and hope that this is one of my ‘spirited action’ steps toward that goal. If I am to be a cheerleader for others to live their dreams, something else near and dear to my heart, then I must take the steps myself to do what I love, let it come easily, and allow what is next the space to unfold as it will. This is the stuff that magic is made of. And I do love the magic!! Like a ten-day vacation out of nowhere, no strings attached!!! J
Spirit gifted me with a ten-day vacation, and I mistook it for a punishment, a trip to hell. If I didn’t know how great God forgives, I would be embarrassed. Somewhere along the way, though, I suspected that I was in the middle of a huge hug, an opportunity that I’d wished for, dreamed of, for years. And would revel in it for a while from time to time. Greatly.
I went and lay on the beach one day, for an hour, in the MIDDLE of the day! On a WEEKday! And I took yoga classes across the bridge several times. I went and walked on the beach and sat in meditation on Thursday. I watched all the past episodes of Parks and Recreation that I’d missed from Season Three. I got a pedicure and gave a massage.
And then my brain, my Beta brain (the thinker, analyzer, complainer, criticizer….) showed back up, reciting all its old verses of “What if….” and “OH, NO!” and “You’ll never….” and “You’ve gotta DO something”! “NOW!” And I was back in the fear, angst, disappointment, frustration, and downright depression that are side-effects of listening to it. It is the voice that reminds me to compare myself to others, recall and highlight past failures, and focus strictly on what is NOT. Huge crazy-making, for sure. There are ways around it, and sometimes I actually remember to use them and avoid the pain and damage that it can bring. As I had done earlier in the week. I had a great insight!
Of all the things that go right in my life, and all the things that show up as abundance, there is one that lingers and hovers that is about “not enough.” It is my finances, my “money issues.” And it is one tough booger who will not be dismissed easily. Or with force. It is just here for me, and as far as I can remember, always has been. No matter how much I work or don’t work, spend or don’t spend, budget, travel, scrimp, splurge, etc. (YOU get the idea!), I seem to come up short pretty much all the time. Never enough. Oh, there have been times when I was rolling in the dough (and loving it!), but those times always ended, and reverted back to struggle and lack. Believe me, I’ve done a ton of work around this, and still can’t seem to change the tide. SO I decided last week that that’s just part of my life now. Being angry about it hasn’t changed it. Working more, striving more, pushing more haven’t changed it. Worrying about it hasn’t changed it. Not worrying about it hasn’t changed it. So I decided to throw in the towel, accept what was and go on living life like it didn’t matter. Because clearly, it doesn’t. My finances have a mind of their own, and some sort of lesson for me to learn, but to date, I have not found what that is, so I decided to let it be. And the freedom and relief that I felt were huge! I felt like I’d just been let out of prison with a parting gift to boot! I spent two days just doing what I wanted to do. I went out to lunch at a real restaurant! I bought a new bra and a camera battery! I bought flowers, potting soil and a pot! Yes, I went crazy! J Pros in the business will tell you to do what you’d do if you were wealthy, with no money worries, and the brain will be tricked and thus begin to attract wealth your way. A natural law of the universe, power of attraction. So I went with it. And was having a great time. Not really magnetizing any big bucks my way, but really enjoying the experience of actually having what I wanted without the scrutinizing boss haranguing away at my head all the time. And feeling good about life in general. Imagine that!
And then, when I wasn’t on the lookout, the Beta brain took over. Was I in the shower and singing too loudly? Was there thunder outside that was really loud? Or was I just having too good a time, trusting too much in life and the goodness of the universe, that I will always have what I need and want? I dare think it to be the latter. For boom! There it was. The reminder that I hadn’t worked in FOUR days! Hadn’t generated any income or prospects of income that WHOLE time! WHAT was I THINKing!!!!????? It sideswiped me and took my breath away. I froze in fear and worry, believing its barreling voice and convincing arguments. I quit getting up at 5a to exercise and meditate. I counted all my money to make sure I had enough (or to remind myself that it WASN’T enough is more like it!). I went to work on more ideas of ways to start working more and bringing in income while the slow season for massage held on. Sometimes, this process can be invigorating and exciting, giving me a nudge toward the new and untried. And sometimes (more and more), it is just a reminder of how much work I do for so little return, and is exhausting. This is currently the feeling. I’m exhausted. Of pushing and trying, of just missing the boat, of not having what I need, and of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s discouraging, and all of that is what hit me a few days ago. It hit me hard, knocked me to my knees, and left me staggering without a hope in the world of reversing or resolving it. My body starting hurting. My right shoulder, overnight, developed a stabbing pain that didn’t allow me to move it much at all.
So rather than do what I WANTED to do, curl up in a ball in a dark room, in bed, I decided to go to a yoga class, and move my body, be among other people, and do my best to come out of my funk for a while. The cloud lifted a bit, and then I could feel the tears and the nausea moving around, shouting out for attention. Letting the tears come as they would, I just sat and cried, and then again, sat and breathed until the stabbing pain in my stomach subsided some. Finally, I had to just lie on the floor and close my eyes. It was in that place that a different voice came to me. The voice of ME, my spirit, my God self, I suppose. “You are TRYING so hard!! We are giving you gifts of freedom, yet you insist on hanging on to the past. You are holding on so tightly, that is why your shoulder is so sore. Let go! Let go! Surrender. That’s what it’s all about. Surrender.” Wow! It just made so much sense, and in that moment of hearing this great logic, I just let loose, bawled, and knew it was pure truth. My body relaxed, my heart relaxed, my mind relaxed! It was a terrific sensation, for sure. The part of me that committed to surrender lay there a while longer on the mat, while the thinking part of me was not sure what just happened and wanted to leap up, embarrassed for the diversion from the “normal” practice for the hour. Luckily, though, we both stayed there and let be what was. Within a few hours, my shoulder was nearly back to its usual fluid self. Amazing.
So I am still going in and out of the blues, uncertainty, fear, etc., but feel more and more that I AM being given a vacation to do whatever I want to do to make me happy, let my spirit be free and relaxed, and trust that I will have plenty to do very soon. That NOW is a time to live without worry, and to immerse myself in meditation and prayer, exercise, dance, and writing, so that my soul can see what is important to me and give me lots of it.
Hence, this writing. It frees the words from my mind, to allow something else to move through it and manifest in magical ways. It has taken me almost two weeks to sit and do this, despite the fact that I am writing articles, stories, observations, and antidotes all the time in my head. I love to write. It lets me bring life to the page, the page to the life that I live. I find it to be a most fascinating life, and one worth sharing. I dream of writing for a living, and hope that this is one of my ‘spirited action’ steps toward that goal. If I am to be a cheerleader for others to live their dreams, something else near and dear to my heart, then I must take the steps myself to do what I love, let it come easily, and allow what is next the space to unfold as it will. This is the stuff that magic is made of. And I do love the magic!! Like a ten-day vacation out of nowhere, no strings attached!!! J
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Eleven font
November 8, 2011 (11/8/11)
In honor of all the elevens in this month, I’m changing my font size from twelve to eleven!
See? It IS easy to start writing! Just write about SOMEthing! ANYthing!!
And then I had to get up and get something to eat. And wash my face. Then check all my saved voicemails. And in a minute, I feel certain, make a phone call or two.
It’s SO hard to sit and write! I think of things I want to write about all the time! I even write the first couple of sentences or paragraphs in my head. Gee! Even in my head I get distracted! Wonder why I never write a whole article or story in my head. On a similar, but not really, note, sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up, and am writing a poem in my mind. More like it’s writing, singing itself to me, and I think how cool and beautiful it is and want to write it down when I wake up. But, alas, I’m lulled back to sleep by it, and upon waking, can only remember the loveliness of its presence in my mind.
I love my dreams sometimes. SOMEtimes! Sometimes, they are crazy and frenetic and scary and ridiculous and unsettling. I wake up unnerved, feeling like I should be looking over my shoulder all day. I’m never sure what brought about these dreams, or if I’m supposed to glean some deep meaning for my life from them; mostly, I just ask the Dream Guardians to release me from their spell. I guess it works, because I’m still pretty sane. I guess.
The good dreams, though, are really good, when one of my cats or a friend will show up and hang out with me. Last week, I was REALLY missing my friend, Christopher, who died in 2000. As far as I can tell, I’ve had two soul mates in my life so far. One was Christopher, who was gay, and Sparky, who was a cat. Go figure. They are both gone (from Earth), and both show up in my dreams from time to time. As I was saying, I’d been really missing Christopher one day, and so called on him, told him I missed him, and hoped he was doing OK where he was. That night, he was in my dream!!! As usual, in the dream, at the time, I didn’t really “get” that it was him, or why it was so special, but I did remember hugging him, and at one point, feeling like he and I were becoming one person. Weird sensation, even for a dream!! The next day, when I remembered that I’d dreamed about him (rather, with him!), I was thrilled! It made me know that he can hear me and is with me all the time, and wants to see me as much as I want to see him! The same thing has happened with my cats, Zenith and Sparky. The weird thing is that sometimes, they will be in horrible shape - mangled, diseased, or nearly in shreds. I’m not sure why, because there are other times when they are fine, and I can actually pet them. Oh, what a feeling THAT is!!! For anyone who has lost a pet, you know how great it would be to be able to see them again, pet them, feel their presence. And so I think that it is totally possible.
I have a girlfriend who has periodic visits from her husband (who passed away nine years ago) in her dreams. Only with her, she knows at the time that it’s not a dream, but a prayer answered, a longing soothed, a chance to touch his face, hear his voice, and even see where it is he lives! They have entire conversations sometimes in her dreams. They hold hands and kiss, laugh and cry, talk of what was and what is now. I marvel at her gift and ability to discern fantasy from divinity. If there is a difference! J
I’m learning that the lines between worlds are more and more frail, that the space is less, and that the energies are a lot more alike than has been the case in the past. Dreams are sometimes just an extension of life here on earth. Speaking with the Divine brings nearly immediate results. And what used to seem like quirky circumstance, we know now, is not the case. That our prayers and thoughts are always heard, and that we are always supported and never alone. I am told that, when thinking of someone, whether with regret or joy, wonder or anger, to send them love and light. That they will receive it, perhaps even feel it right then. That when we do, WE are filled with more light, more love, and move even closer to Heaven, as it were, to become one with Divinity, in such a way that it is unmistakable.
A number of years ago, after knowing of this concept and practice, I was in my yard raking and pulling weeds one late afternoon. A good friend came to mind, and I just had the fondest feeling for her. Being in the sunshine, and knowing that she was working (and struggling for several weeks), I just mentally sent her the blast of love and sun’s warmth that I was feeling right then, and continued on with my yard work, not giving it another thought. (This thought, like every other one each of us has, was replaced by yet another 10,000 more!) The next day, we were talking about her recent job in the next town over. It had been a tough and long day the day before, but she mentioned that, strikingly, as she was driving home in the late afternoon, feeling weary and sad, she sensed something warm and positive around her. She said she sat up at the wheel, felt herself smiling, and suddenly felt completely different than a few minutes before. “I can’t really explain it; I just felt loved and warm. It was the best feeling!” Wow. It took me a minute to catch the connection, but when I did the math (so to speak), I realized that her sensation was happening at about the same time my thoughts of her were happening! It was so cool! Ever since then, I have believed in the power of thought, of prayer, of sending energy, light, and love, to those I know and those I don’t. Because I know that others do it for me, and provide me with a strength and hope that I didn’t have before. People that know me and people that don’t. And those that I can see and those that I cannot. It is a great sensation to know that I am never alone, and that if I keep my eyes open, I will see confirmation of it everywhere.
In the phone call from a friend at just the right time. In a group of pelicans flying overhead just as I look up. In a song on the radio that I’d been singing and wanting to hear. And in the words on a page that somehow, with a little help from me, seem to write themselves, letting what’s within shine outward.
Who would know what writing about the date could bring about? I guess it’s just about having the intention, and taking one step toward it. Yea!
In honor of all the elevens in this month, I’m changing my font size from twelve to eleven!
See? It IS easy to start writing! Just write about SOMEthing! ANYthing!!
And then I had to get up and get something to eat. And wash my face. Then check all my saved voicemails. And in a minute, I feel certain, make a phone call or two.
It’s SO hard to sit and write! I think of things I want to write about all the time! I even write the first couple of sentences or paragraphs in my head. Gee! Even in my head I get distracted! Wonder why I never write a whole article or story in my head. On a similar, but not really, note, sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up, and am writing a poem in my mind. More like it’s writing, singing itself to me, and I think how cool and beautiful it is and want to write it down when I wake up. But, alas, I’m lulled back to sleep by it, and upon waking, can only remember the loveliness of its presence in my mind.
I love my dreams sometimes. SOMEtimes! Sometimes, they are crazy and frenetic and scary and ridiculous and unsettling. I wake up unnerved, feeling like I should be looking over my shoulder all day. I’m never sure what brought about these dreams, or if I’m supposed to glean some deep meaning for my life from them; mostly, I just ask the Dream Guardians to release me from their spell. I guess it works, because I’m still pretty sane. I guess.
The good dreams, though, are really good, when one of my cats or a friend will show up and hang out with me. Last week, I was REALLY missing my friend, Christopher, who died in 2000. As far as I can tell, I’ve had two soul mates in my life so far. One was Christopher, who was gay, and Sparky, who was a cat. Go figure. They are both gone (from Earth), and both show up in my dreams from time to time. As I was saying, I’d been really missing Christopher one day, and so called on him, told him I missed him, and hoped he was doing OK where he was. That night, he was in my dream!!! As usual, in the dream, at the time, I didn’t really “get” that it was him, or why it was so special, but I did remember hugging him, and at one point, feeling like he and I were becoming one person. Weird sensation, even for a dream!! The next day, when I remembered that I’d dreamed about him (rather, with him!), I was thrilled! It made me know that he can hear me and is with me all the time, and wants to see me as much as I want to see him! The same thing has happened with my cats, Zenith and Sparky. The weird thing is that sometimes, they will be in horrible shape - mangled, diseased, or nearly in shreds. I’m not sure why, because there are other times when they are fine, and I can actually pet them. Oh, what a feeling THAT is!!! For anyone who has lost a pet, you know how great it would be to be able to see them again, pet them, feel their presence. And so I think that it is totally possible.
I have a girlfriend who has periodic visits from her husband (who passed away nine years ago) in her dreams. Only with her, she knows at the time that it’s not a dream, but a prayer answered, a longing soothed, a chance to touch his face, hear his voice, and even see where it is he lives! They have entire conversations sometimes in her dreams. They hold hands and kiss, laugh and cry, talk of what was and what is now. I marvel at her gift and ability to discern fantasy from divinity. If there is a difference! J
I’m learning that the lines between worlds are more and more frail, that the space is less, and that the energies are a lot more alike than has been the case in the past. Dreams are sometimes just an extension of life here on earth. Speaking with the Divine brings nearly immediate results. And what used to seem like quirky circumstance, we know now, is not the case. That our prayers and thoughts are always heard, and that we are always supported and never alone. I am told that, when thinking of someone, whether with regret or joy, wonder or anger, to send them love and light. That they will receive it, perhaps even feel it right then. That when we do, WE are filled with more light, more love, and move even closer to Heaven, as it were, to become one with Divinity, in such a way that it is unmistakable.
A number of years ago, after knowing of this concept and practice, I was in my yard raking and pulling weeds one late afternoon. A good friend came to mind, and I just had the fondest feeling for her. Being in the sunshine, and knowing that she was working (and struggling for several weeks), I just mentally sent her the blast of love and sun’s warmth that I was feeling right then, and continued on with my yard work, not giving it another thought. (This thought, like every other one each of us has, was replaced by yet another 10,000 more!) The next day, we were talking about her recent job in the next town over. It had been a tough and long day the day before, but she mentioned that, strikingly, as she was driving home in the late afternoon, feeling weary and sad, she sensed something warm and positive around her. She said she sat up at the wheel, felt herself smiling, and suddenly felt completely different than a few minutes before. “I can’t really explain it; I just felt loved and warm. It was the best feeling!” Wow. It took me a minute to catch the connection, but when I did the math (so to speak), I realized that her sensation was happening at about the same time my thoughts of her were happening! It was so cool! Ever since then, I have believed in the power of thought, of prayer, of sending energy, light, and love, to those I know and those I don’t. Because I know that others do it for me, and provide me with a strength and hope that I didn’t have before. People that know me and people that don’t. And those that I can see and those that I cannot. It is a great sensation to know that I am never alone, and that if I keep my eyes open, I will see confirmation of it everywhere.
In the phone call from a friend at just the right time. In a group of pelicans flying overhead just as I look up. In a song on the radio that I’d been singing and wanting to hear. And in the words on a page that somehow, with a little help from me, seem to write themselves, letting what’s within shine outward.
Who would know what writing about the date could bring about? I guess it’s just about having the intention, and taking one step toward it. Yea!
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