November 3, 2011
Spirit gifted me with a ten-day vacation, and I mistook it for a punishment, a trip to hell. If I didn’t know how great God forgives, I would be embarrassed. Somewhere along the way, though, I suspected that I was in the middle of a huge hug, an opportunity that I’d wished for, dreamed of, for years. And would revel in it for a while from time to time. Greatly.
I went and lay on the beach one day, for an hour, in the MIDDLE of the day! On a WEEKday! And I took yoga classes across the bridge several times. I went and walked on the beach and sat in meditation on Thursday. I watched all the past episodes of Parks and Recreation that I’d missed from Season Three. I got a pedicure and gave a massage.
And then my brain, my Beta brain (the thinker, analyzer, complainer, criticizer….) showed back up, reciting all its old verses of “What if….” and “OH, NO!” and “You’ll never….” and “You’ve gotta DO something”! “NOW!” And I was back in the fear, angst, disappointment, frustration, and downright depression that are side-effects of listening to it. It is the voice that reminds me to compare myself to others, recall and highlight past failures, and focus strictly on what is NOT. Huge crazy-making, for sure. There are ways around it, and sometimes I actually remember to use them and avoid the pain and damage that it can bring. As I had done earlier in the week. I had a great insight!
Of all the things that go right in my life, and all the things that show up as abundance, there is one that lingers and hovers that is about “not enough.” It is my finances, my “money issues.” And it is one tough booger who will not be dismissed easily. Or with force. It is just here for me, and as far as I can remember, always has been. No matter how much I work or don’t work, spend or don’t spend, budget, travel, scrimp, splurge, etc. (YOU get the idea!), I seem to come up short pretty much all the time. Never enough. Oh, there have been times when I was rolling in the dough (and loving it!), but those times always ended, and reverted back to struggle and lack. Believe me, I’ve done a ton of work around this, and still can’t seem to change the tide. SO I decided last week that that’s just part of my life now. Being angry about it hasn’t changed it. Working more, striving more, pushing more haven’t changed it. Worrying about it hasn’t changed it. Not worrying about it hasn’t changed it. So I decided to throw in the towel, accept what was and go on living life like it didn’t matter. Because clearly, it doesn’t. My finances have a mind of their own, and some sort of lesson for me to learn, but to date, I have not found what that is, so I decided to let it be. And the freedom and relief that I felt were huge! I felt like I’d just been let out of prison with a parting gift to boot! I spent two days just doing what I wanted to do. I went out to lunch at a real restaurant! I bought a new bra and a camera battery! I bought flowers, potting soil and a pot! Yes, I went crazy! J Pros in the business will tell you to do what you’d do if you were wealthy, with no money worries, and the brain will be tricked and thus begin to attract wealth your way. A natural law of the universe, power of attraction. So I went with it. And was having a great time. Not really magnetizing any big bucks my way, but really enjoying the experience of actually having what I wanted without the scrutinizing boss haranguing away at my head all the time. And feeling good about life in general. Imagine that!
And then, when I wasn’t on the lookout, the Beta brain took over. Was I in the shower and singing too loudly? Was there thunder outside that was really loud? Or was I just having too good a time, trusting too much in life and the goodness of the universe, that I will always have what I need and want? I dare think it to be the latter. For boom! There it was. The reminder that I hadn’t worked in FOUR days! Hadn’t generated any income or prospects of income that WHOLE time! WHAT was I THINKing!!!!????? It sideswiped me and took my breath away. I froze in fear and worry, believing its barreling voice and convincing arguments. I quit getting up at 5a to exercise and meditate. I counted all my money to make sure I had enough (or to remind myself that it WASN’T enough is more like it!). I went to work on more ideas of ways to start working more and bringing in income while the slow season for massage held on. Sometimes, this process can be invigorating and exciting, giving me a nudge toward the new and untried. And sometimes (more and more), it is just a reminder of how much work I do for so little return, and is exhausting. This is currently the feeling. I’m exhausted. Of pushing and trying, of just missing the boat, of not having what I need, and of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s discouraging, and all of that is what hit me a few days ago. It hit me hard, knocked me to my knees, and left me staggering without a hope in the world of reversing or resolving it. My body starting hurting. My right shoulder, overnight, developed a stabbing pain that didn’t allow me to move it much at all.
So rather than do what I WANTED to do, curl up in a ball in a dark room, in bed, I decided to go to a yoga class, and move my body, be among other people, and do my best to come out of my funk for a while. The cloud lifted a bit, and then I could feel the tears and the nausea moving around, shouting out for attention. Letting the tears come as they would, I just sat and cried, and then again, sat and breathed until the stabbing pain in my stomach subsided some. Finally, I had to just lie on the floor and close my eyes. It was in that place that a different voice came to me. The voice of ME, my spirit, my God self, I suppose. “You are TRYING so hard!! We are giving you gifts of freedom, yet you insist on hanging on to the past. You are holding on so tightly, that is why your shoulder is so sore. Let go! Let go! Surrender. That’s what it’s all about. Surrender.” Wow! It just made so much sense, and in that moment of hearing this great logic, I just let loose, bawled, and knew it was pure truth. My body relaxed, my heart relaxed, my mind relaxed! It was a terrific sensation, for sure. The part of me that committed to surrender lay there a while longer on the mat, while the thinking part of me was not sure what just happened and wanted to leap up, embarrassed for the diversion from the “normal” practice for the hour. Luckily, though, we both stayed there and let be what was. Within a few hours, my shoulder was nearly back to its usual fluid self. Amazing.
So I am still going in and out of the blues, uncertainty, fear, etc., but feel more and more that I AM being given a vacation to do whatever I want to do to make me happy, let my spirit be free and relaxed, and trust that I will have plenty to do very soon. That NOW is a time to live without worry, and to immerse myself in meditation and prayer, exercise, dance, and writing, so that my soul can see what is important to me and give me lots of it.
Hence, this writing. It frees the words from my mind, to allow something else to move through it and manifest in magical ways. It has taken me almost two weeks to sit and do this, despite the fact that I am writing articles, stories, observations, and antidotes all the time in my head. I love to write. It lets me bring life to the page, the page to the life that I live. I find it to be a most fascinating life, and one worth sharing. I dream of writing for a living, and hope that this is one of my ‘spirited action’ steps toward that goal. If I am to be a cheerleader for others to live their dreams, something else near and dear to my heart, then I must take the steps myself to do what I love, let it come easily, and allow what is next the space to unfold as it will. This is the stuff that magic is made of. And I do love the magic!! Like a ten-day vacation out of nowhere, no strings attached!!! J
No comments:
Post a Comment