Over overwhelm!

January 7, 2011

It is really easy for me to get overwhelmed. I don’t “do” Christmas, I avoid malls, dance clubs make me reel, and festivals, classes, and parties with too many people and activity make me want to take a nap. At parties and gatherings, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. It’s quiet and solitary. I also eat a lot, out of nervousness, I suppose. Overwhelm for me results in shut down, and loss of energy. I’ve known this for a long time, but only in the last few years have I really acknowledged it and admitted to myself that there are just some things that I cannot do and still function at the level of energy that I want to. This has been both discouraging and freeing. I don’t have to spend two days sleeping after a weekend festival, or an entire day decompressing after a workshop with 30 other people, or yearn for a day or two of total isolation after being “out in the world” and interacting with a lot of people for a day or two.
I know my limitations, yet still, I try to overcome them, plough through them and be a part of life s we know it. It’s presently feeling like a hard place to be - as in between a rock and….

Spending time alone is comforting and fulfilling to me, and keeps me centered and calm; but I am a social creature, so miss friendships and social interaction. I would love to have a fun and fulfilling friendship or two, but know that the “getting out there” that it takes to have that is often more than I want to do. It is this place of finding balance between alone time and public time that I currently reside. It is feeling lonely and frustrating. A lot.

So I come out to nature for help. Nature is perfect. There is no resistance in nature. No struggle. No judgments or comparing. All things grow where and when it is right. Leaves fall, buds bloom, vines crawl, clouds float, trees bend, rain falls. Trees don’t wonder if they’re growing too tall; shrubs don’t wish they were fish; clouds don’t try to move against the wind currents. Everything in Nature is in right and perfect order. And so are we. We really are exactly where we need to be, doing and feeling what is right and perfect for us in the moment. I am reminded of this when I am out in nature. Do I actually surrender to it, and trust it is true of my own life? Well, not right away, for sure. Usually, I am so worked up over something, that by the time I actually get outside, breathe, and observe, I am so overcome with the beauty, majesty, and perfection of where I am, and what I see and feel, that, ironically, I go into overwhelm!!!!

This is what has happened this morning. Crazy, I know. But I have stayed with it, just let myself be here for a while longer, let my brain settle down, and my heart know that it’s okay for me to be a part of such intense beauty. Slowly, I have come around to a place of calm. Mesmerized by the millions of sun diamonds dancing on the waves, the constant up and down and back and forth frothy sway of the waves, the sounds that they create, and the smell of the surf, I am beginning to just enjoy being here. Sun above me, sand below me, gentle breeze around me. All is well. For now, I guess I have all the friends I need!