Eleven font

November 8, 2011 (11/8/11)

In honor of all the elevens in this month, I’m changing my font size from twelve to eleven!

See? It IS easy to start writing! Just write about SOMEthing! ANYthing!!

And then I had to get up and get something to eat. And wash my face. Then check all my saved voicemails. And in a minute, I feel certain, make a phone call or two.

It’s SO hard to sit and write! I think of things I want to write about all the time! I even write the first couple of sentences or paragraphs in my head. Gee! Even in my head I get distracted! Wonder why I never write a whole article or story in my head. On a similar, but not really, note, sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up, and am writing a poem in my mind. More like it’s writing, singing itself to me, and I think how cool and beautiful it is and want to write it down when I wake up. But, alas, I’m lulled back to sleep by it, and upon waking, can only remember the loveliness of its presence in my mind.

I love my dreams sometimes. SOMEtimes! Sometimes, they are crazy and frenetic and scary and ridiculous and unsettling. I wake up unnerved, feeling like I should be looking over my shoulder all day. I’m never sure what brought about these dreams, or if I’m supposed to glean some deep meaning for my life from them; mostly, I just ask the Dream Guardians to release me from their spell. I guess it works, because I’m still pretty sane. I guess.

The good dreams, though, are really good, when one of my cats or a friend will show up and hang out with me. Last week, I was REALLY missing my friend, Christopher, who died in 2000. As far as I can tell, I’ve had two soul mates in my life so far. One was Christopher, who was gay, and Sparky, who was a cat. Go figure. They are both gone (from Earth), and both show up in my dreams from time to time. As I was saying, I’d been really missing Christopher one day, and so called on him, told him I missed him, and hoped he was doing OK where he was. That night, he was in my dream!!! As usual, in the dream, at the time, I didn’t really “get” that it was him, or why it was so special, but I did remember hugging him, and at one point, feeling like he and I were becoming one person. Weird sensation, even for a dream!! The next day, when I remembered that I’d dreamed about him (rather, with him!), I was thrilled! It made me know that he can hear me and is with me all the time, and wants to see me as much as I want to see him! The same thing has happened with my cats, Zenith and Sparky. The weird thing is that sometimes, they will be in horrible shape - mangled, diseased, or nearly in shreds. I’m not sure why, because there are other times when they are fine, and I can actually pet them. Oh, what a feeling THAT is!!! For anyone who has lost a pet, you know how great it would be to be able to see them again, pet them, feel their presence. And so I think that it is totally possible.

I have a girlfriend who has periodic visits from her husband (who passed away nine years ago) in her dreams. Only with her, she knows at the time that it’s not a dream, but a prayer answered, a longing soothed, a chance to touch his face, hear his voice, and even see where it is he lives! They have entire conversations sometimes in her dreams. They hold hands and kiss, laugh and cry, talk of what was and what is now. I marvel at her gift and ability to discern fantasy from divinity. If there is a difference! J

I’m learning that the lines between worlds are more and more frail, that the space is less, and that the energies are a lot more alike than has been the case in the past. Dreams are sometimes just an extension of life here on earth. Speaking with the Divine brings nearly immediate results. And what used to seem like quirky circumstance, we know now, is not the case. That our prayers and thoughts are always heard, and that we are always supported and never alone. I am told that, when thinking of someone, whether with regret or joy, wonder or anger, to send them love and light. That they will receive it, perhaps even feel it right then. That when we do, WE are filled with more light, more love, and move even closer to Heaven, as it were, to become one with Divinity, in such a way that it is unmistakable.

A number of years ago, after knowing of this concept and practice, I was in my yard raking and pulling weeds one late afternoon. A good friend came to mind, and I just had the fondest feeling for her. Being in the sunshine, and knowing that she was working (and struggling for several weeks), I just mentally sent her the blast of love and sun’s warmth that I was feeling right then, and continued on with my yard work, not giving it another thought. (This thought, like every other one each of us has, was replaced by yet another 10,000 more!) The next day, we were talking about her recent job in the next town over. It had been a tough and long day the day before, but she mentioned that, strikingly, as she was driving home in the late afternoon, feeling weary and sad, she sensed something warm and positive around her. She said she sat up at the wheel, felt herself smiling, and suddenly felt completely different than a few minutes before. “I can’t really explain it; I just felt loved and warm. It was the best feeling!” Wow. It took me a minute to catch the connection, but when I did the math (so to speak), I realized that her sensation was happening at about the same time my thoughts of her were happening! It was so cool! Ever since then, I have believed in the power of thought, of prayer, of sending energy, light, and love, to those I know and those I don’t. Because I know that others do it for me, and provide me with a strength and hope that I didn’t have before. People that know me and people that don’t. And those that I can see and those that I cannot. It is a great sensation to know that I am never alone, and that if I keep my eyes open, I will see confirmation of it everywhere.

In the phone call from a friend at just the right time. In a group of pelicans flying overhead just as I look up. In a song on the radio that I’d been singing and wanting to hear. And in the words on a page that somehow, with a little help from me, seem to write themselves, letting what’s within shine outward.

Who would know what writing about the date could bring about? I guess it’s just about having the intention, and taking one step toward it. Yea!
　
　
　
　

Monarchs are here!

October 20, 2011

The monarch butterflies are here! They’re everywhere, and they are lovely! They’re not the standard yellow and black ones that I remember as a kid, but rather, a darker orange butterfly with smaller wings. Usually, I see them in pairs, which is a treat in its own right. As there are some great native wildflowers around right now, they are in their element, flitting about, dipping and dancing, full of energy and life.

My neighbor and her granddaughter looked up the Monarch, and found that the ones migrating through here are fourth generation! That the first three went through the whole series of pupae, larvae, etc., but lived only a short time, to finally produce this group that will fly to South America AND BACK within a year! That is some serious genetics!

They’ve been her for a couple of weeks now, with what seemed to be their peak last weekend. They were all over the place, in big numbers - I noticed a lot on the highway, dive bombing my car. I’m guessing those are not some that will be visiting South America.

It’s been a blessed treat to see so many of them, everywhere! Butterfly, in Indian Medicine, represents transformation and beauty. Two things I am glad to be living right now.

Life is Easier

October 18, 2011

Life for me continues to get easier. Electronics have helped, certainly. I don’t have to remember phone numbers anymore - they’re in my phone. Heck, I don’t even have to DIAL phone numbers anymore! Just push a couple of buttons. And the internet keeps getting faster and faster, so I can buy online (save on driving and hunting), write letters online, (save on postage and paper!), find people online (eliminate 411 cost and hassle), and pay bills online. At the gas pump, I don’t have to go inside and pay anymore. Just swipe my card right there at the pump. Same with self service at the grocery store. It’s all around me, and I am oh, so grateful! I love ease!

Another area where my life has gotten easier and better overall is in my work. And it is through this that I’ve had something of an epiphany. When I first moved here, it seemed that EVERYthing was difficult, hard, challenging! Nothing was going smoothly, and when something DID happen, it seemed to be contrary to my desires. For example, I could not find a job anywhere in the area. It was high season, should’ve been a breeze to find something, but NO. I’d taken all the credit and coursework for my FL massage license, but wasn’t sure how long it would take, and even then, if I could find work in the field. So I was looking for work in just about every field imaginable! I even checked out being the ice cream truck gal! And couldn’t get THAT!!!

What I did finally get was a waitress job. A half hour away. (I don’t like to drive.) (Unless it’s a road trip!) It was at a BBQ place. (I’m a vegetarian/vegan.) The money was way minimal. And the owner and manager were on my bu-- every day, all day, about something that I hadn’t done right. Wow. Like my self esteem wasn’t already low enough. But I learned a lot in the time I was there, was truly grateful for the opportunity it offered me, and now have a tremendous appreciation for waiters - especially good ones!

While I was there, my license came in, and I could start looking for massage work, which I did immediately. So my second job here was doing beachside massage. Surely, a step up. Financially, geographically, and energetically. I was more in my element and closer to home, was doing what I knew and loved, and had more control over my schedule. AND I had a boss that had a way of pushing my “not enough” buttons. Once again, I was reminded of what all I wasn’t, couldn’t and shouldn’t. There seemed no escaping it! So I suffered through that for a while until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I found my limit, found my voice, and found a new respect from my teacher and boss.

From there, I have had 3 other employers, and each time, each one has a better space, a clearer sense of themselves, a kinder disposition, and better pay! The good news is that where I am now, I am loved, respected, and encouraged. It is so wonderful!!! I love being there, working there, being reminded of all that I AM, and being supported by others who are positive and moving through their challenges with courage and love.

It makes me excited to know that something even better is unfolding, and that each time something happens that I don’t like or that feels contrary to what I really desire, it is only showing up so I can be clear on what I DON’T want, and change what I can to be more in alignment with what I DO want. Understanding this has let me view the challenges as more like gifts, and that is huge to me! The more that I know the difficult situations and people are only ways to get me to where I want to be, the more willing I am to face my fears and deal with what is in front of me with courage, enthusiasm, and the expectation of a positive outcome!!!

Morning on the Beach

September 28, 2011

“This is worth getting out of bed for!” The only other person on the beach this morning, walking past me, toward the upcoming pink-gold sun slipping slowly into the dim sky, with something of a glazed grin on his face. I could only agree with a similar stupor.

Indeed, the mornings on the beach, especially before the sun comes up, then watching it come up, along with all the flight life that awakens with it, ARE worth getting out of bed for! Now that the tourist season is pretty much over, the beaches are nearly empty in the mornings, with only a few seasoned locals, a couple of curiosity seekers, and an occasional jogger or two to join the ranks of pelicans and seagulls. Oh, and the sandpipers! They are a trip here! They are still jittery little guys, but are also curious enough to come up close to a human sitting still. Probably, my guess, in search of some morsel of food.

Feeding the birds is so much fun on the beach!!!! It’s a real show, and certainly an attention-getter! I took a bag of popcorn out a few mornings ago, and within about 5 seconds, had a crowd of no fewer than 50 seagulls around me. Squawking and flapping, jumping and pecking, the race was on!!!! The ones that really wanted to eat caught my thrown-in-the-air pieces mid-air. So cool!!! Then, the crowds moved upward!! They were swooping and dipping and diving right over my head, looking like a trained seagull act! One brown one would come flying straight toward my head, catch the popcorn, fly over my head, and circle back around for the next kernel. He did this again and again, and it was poetry in motion!! My neighbor told me that if you take food down often enough, they will spot you before you get on the beach, and greet you en masse! She seemed to speak from experience. Not sure I want to be THAT enthusiastic about feeding them……………

One of my favorite things about living by the ocean (’Gulf’) is the pelicans. And since I live so close to the water (gulf across the street, sound in my back yard), they fly by the house during the day and evening. It just really takes my breath away every time I see them!!! Sometimes they fly solo, oftentimes in pairs, and my favorite, in V formation!!!! During the tropical storms that came through over Labor Day weekend (THAT was an interesting four days!!!), I saw a few V’s of 12-20 pelicans at once, and oh, my gosh, what a sight to behold! They are really big birds, and so quiet in flight, so all their presence is in their size and their grace.
I looked up Pelican in Indian Medicine, and here’s what I found ~

Pelican people can rise to the top no matter what life throws at them,
no matter how weighed down they become with life’s trials and tribulations.
Emotional turmoil is often the weight in a Pelican person’s life.
Pelican teaches you how not to be overcome by your troubles,
but rather to rise above them.

Pelican shares nesting sites and food with others and
therefore teaches unselfishness.
Teamwork is key for a person with a Pelican totem.

　Amen!

Morning on the Beach

September 28, 2011                                    

“This is worth getting out of bed for!” The only other person on the beach this morning, walking past me, toward the upcoming pink-gold sun slipping slowly into the dim sky, with something of a glazed grin on his face. I could only agree with a similar stupor.

Indeed, the mornings on the beach, especially before the sun comes up, then watching it come up, along with all the flight life that awakens with it, ARE worth getting out of bed for! Now that the tourist season is pretty much over, the beaches are nearly empty in the mornings, with only a few seasoned locals, a couple of curiosity seekers, and an occasional jogger or two to join the ranks of pelicans and seagulls. Oh, and the sandpipers! They are a trip here! They are still jittery little guys, but are also curious enough to come up close to a human sitting still. Probably, my guess, in search of some morsel of food.

Feeding the birds is so much fun on the beach!!!! It’s a real show, and certainly an attention-getter! I took a bag of popcorn out a few mornings ago, and within about 5 seconds, had a crowd of no fewer than 50 seagulls around me. Squawking and flapping, jumping and pecking, the race was on!!!! The ones that really wanted to eat caught my thrown-in-the-air pieces mid-air. So cool!!! Then, the crowds moved upward!! They were swooping and dipping and diving right over my head, looking like a trained seagull act! One brown one would come flying straight toward my head, catch the popcorn, fly over my head, and circle back around for the next kernel. He did this again and again, and it was poetry in motion!! My neighbor told me that if you take food down often enough, they will spot you before you get on the beach, and greet you en masse! She seemed to speak from experience. Not sure I want to be THAT enthusiastic about feeding them……………

One of my favorite things about living by the ocean (’Gulf’) is the pelicans. And since I live so close to the water (gulf across the street, sound in my back yard), they fly by the house during the day and evening. It just really takes my breath away every time I see them!!! Sometimes they fly solo, oftentimes in pairs, and my favorite, in V formation!!!! During the tropical storms that came through over Labor Day weekend (THAT was an interesting four days!!!), I saw a few V’s of 12-20 pelicans at once, and oh, my gosh, what a sight to behold! They are really big birds, and so quiet in flight, so all their presence is in their size and their grace.
I looked up Pelican in Indian Medicine, and here’s what I found ~

Pelican people can rise to the top no matter what life throws at them,
no matter how weighed down they become with life’s trials and tribulations.
Emotional turmoil is often the weight in a Pelican person’s life.
Pelican teaches you how not to be overcome by your troubles,
but rather to rise above them.

                                                             Pelican shares nesting sites and food with others and
                                                                           therefore teaches unselfishness.
                                                         Teamwork is key for a person with a Pelican totem.                               Amen!

Blue water, blue skies

June 27, 2011

Storms rumbling to the right of me, lightning flashing on my left. And straight ahead, white clouds and blue skies. Hmmmm……………sounds a little symbolic, doesn’t it? I’ll take it as such.

After arriving here in Florida some three weeks ago, my mind has been in a spin, my stomach, in knots. No “real” job yet, no place of my own to live, and little income in fits and starts. These are worries and fears in my mind.


My reality? I was given a house to live in, rent free, for the first ten days I was here. Across the street from the beach, I might add. With a fenced-in yard (and lots of great hiding places) for my cat, a view of both (dripping orange and hot pink) sunrise and sunset, covered porch, and rockin’ AC! From there, I was invited to live with my friend and her family for as long as I need to get regular income. So I have an instant family, people who care about and for me, a home that’s two miles from the awesome beach, and a screened-in porch and yard for my cat. Oh, AND I got a part-time job as a waitress last week, which I really like so far!!!! It’s fun to do some things that I haven’t done before or in a long time! And earn some money in the meantime.

People have been calling me for long-distance readings, which I love doing (and receive payment for!). They are filled with tons of confirmation, light, and information from Spirit, and I love the connection that I have with new friends through these readings.

I have had time and opportunities to continue healing on many levels. (This, I suspect, is one of the biggest priorities right now, one of the biggest gifts, and one thing that I have been overlooking for what my brain and ego feel, instead, that I “should” be doing.)  I know in my heart of hearts, that the money will come, that I always have what I need, and that I will be, and AM successful.

So WHY am I anxious, nervous, and uneasy? I can only think that it is my old ways of dealing with change and new situations, showing up loud and clear, ready to be vanquished, dissolved, and replaced. Replaced by the trust and faith, peace and pleasure that life holds for me, and for all of us, right now. When I look at the weather, my health, my bank account, my list of friends, my refrigerator, my gas tank, my list of possibilities in life, and more, I see only good, abundance, joy, and comfort. I feel hope and gratitude. I smell rain and prosperity coming in. I hear encouragement and music. I taste new flavors and tears. (I love, and am now often reminded of the saying, “There is something magical in salt. It is in our tears and in the sea.”)
Life in the moment is all that I need, and really, everything that I have asked for at some point and at some level. And so to have what I have now, to just recognize what I have and enjoy it as much as I can, is what expands out into the Universe to bring me more of the same. Perhaps easier said than done, but certainly more easily understood now that I have written it!

I am thrilled to be here in Florida, living where I have dreamed of living for decades - by the ocean!!!!! (Well, it’s actually, I am reminded by those here, the GULF, but my heart loves it by any name!) If this dream can come true, then surely, other dreams are right behind, right? Guess I better get going, dream some more dreams. I’ll meet you on the other side of the rainbow!!!!

On Jan's back porch...

July 27, 2011

In one month, I’ll be 56. Today, I feel much older, less wise. Almost two months ago, I left Albuquerque and my dad and sisters, and headed to Destin, Florida, thrilled to be coming to live by the ocean (actually, here, it’s the Gulf, but I like the word Ocean better!), where I’ve dreamed of living for most of my adult life. Now I’m here, wondering what possessed me to just load up and come to where I knew only two people, had no work lined up, and no idea of where to live or what was available. I’ve been in struggle, fear, loneliness, and angst since I got here. Oh, there are days of contentment and of feeling certain that this is where I need to be, but a lot of what I thought would be, hasn’t been.

Interestingly, on the trip here, about 4 days on the road, nothing that I’d thought would happen (all worst-case scenarios) happened. Nearly everything went fine: my cat traveled really well, my bike stayed on the bike rack, the car ran great, I never got lost, hotel rooms were available (and cat friendly!), the AC worked (it was HOT in Texas!), and driving 8-10 hours a day was easy enough for me.

In the days and weeks before I left Albuquerque, I was in panic and fear most of the time. It was awful! I went to sleep in anxiety, and woke in the same state, worrying about all the things that wouldn‘t work out and that could go wrong. At some point, I suppose I surrendered, knowing that I WAS leaving, and that how it would turn out would be, well, how it turned out! My biggest concern was Angel, my cat, and she turned out to be true to her name - she rode well in the car, adapted to hotel rooms easily enough, and even took to being on a leash when she was outside. She never tried to run away or crawl under the furniture. She was great!

Now, I’m on the back porch at my friend’s house, on a dark and gloomy, rainy day, knowing that it’s time for me to go, to find my own place to live. Which has been Much easier said than done. After two weeks of answering newspaper ads, visiting Craiglist.org, dealing with realtors and rental agencies, driving around, asking friends of friends, and praying a lot, I am still coming up with nothing, nowhere feasible to move into. It’s more than a little disconcerting - my stomach has hurt for three days, and the feeling of hopelessness is showing up more and more on my doorstep. Well, on my friend’s doorstep! I don’t have one yet.

“This, too, shall pass.” I know.

I just got a job last week (yea!), four days after I received my FL massage license in the mail - with a business that does beachside massage (“I love my office!,” the owner often says….). It has rained the last 2 of 3 days, which means no work; there is rain in the forecast for the next 3 days. Ugh. SOMETHING is going on! There’s too much that’s not happening!. My forehead is feeling bruised from all the walls I’ve been hitting. Very strange. “There’s gotta be a pony in here somewhere!”

So I’m writing about it to get it out of my head, letting something else in the way of possibility take its place. I figure that with this much not happening, behind so much effort, either A) I am REALLY missing something, or B) something is brewing up ahead that is better than what I’ve been striving for. I once heard that God never says NO, but one of three other answers. 1) Not now 2) Not yet 3) Not this, something better.
I’ve been around long enough to know that anything can change in a minute! And that really, there is a reason for everything, whether I ever figure it out or not. So I am trying to not take this all too seriously or too personally, to focus on what I DO want, and know that I am supported and protected by those seen and unseen. And loved.

We are never alone.