Truth's deception

March 16, 2011

Having to tell the truth is hard. Telling the truth is harder still. AND the truth shall set you free

It did me, for a while. I used to think that telling the truth and facing my fears would send them off into never-never land, never to be seen again. As of late, however, my current theory (based on experience!) is that fear may leave, but it’s so mad to be gone, that it sends in its little warriors to just mess with me, to test my courage and conviction, my strength and stamina, and to see if I cave to what FEAR figured that it was all along - the boss!
(FEAR is an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real”…….)

Just this week, on Monday, I faced a huge fear (huge to me!) of deciding to really move from my dad’s house, of going out into the great unknown with seemingly few resources, of bailing on him when he needs help, and of facing his possible anger when I told him. It wasn’t the THAT I was moving that could set him off, but the WHY. It’s hard to tell a parent that they are emotionally draining and demanding, more than being too physically in need. It was for me, anyway.

 And I did it.

Telling him this seemingly simple decision or piece of information seemed to represent for me all the years
(50 some!) of holding back my truth and my feelings, for fear of being verbally insulted, assaulted and impuned. So it really felt great - to quit worrying and fearing, and just tell my truth, face my terror, and know that whatever the outcome, I would be OK.
 Not being afraid of him anymore is pretty much a dragon slain.

The next day, yesterday, seemed to be really good. I felt calmer than I had in a long time; detached would be a fitting word. I made phone calls, filled out paperwork, and did reading that I’d put off for several weeks. My creativity was high, my energy was even and positive, and my faith in what is possible was renewed.

And then TODAY, the warriors came in, heavily armed and relentless.
Taking in all my paperwork for the second time to an accountant to do my taxes, I found that I STILL didn’t have everything that I needed, and would have to come back yet again. This, coupled with just another reminder, in black and white, of how much I don’t have financially, took me by the nape of the neck, and flung me headlong into a black funk. I could feel it coming for me, tried to run, but missed the mark. Those dam warriors!!! They are GOOD!
To try to get out of the spiraling funk, I decided to do something productive. Like look for somewhere to move. Called apartment managers, Craigslist ads, and people renting rooms. Could it GET any more depressing???!!!! Clearly not. Adding insult to injury is the phrase, I believe.
I’d had enough.

After saying a prayer to Archangel Michael (“Please help me, Please help me, Please help me!!”), I mustered up enough energy to get out of my own way and deal with one of dad’s dilemmas, make some phone calls, and write.
 This.
It may not necessarily be a way OUT, but it’s certainly a way Through.

My point, I guess, and I think I had one…………is that when I do face a fear, everything that had been hiding behind it also has a chance to come up and be aired. Those are the creatures that I was not aware of when dueling with the original FEAR, and even though they are just as cruel, harsh, and scary, I see now that they are just as illusionary, draining on my energy and creativity, and ready to be dispelled as their original namesake.
For this realization, I am most grateful! It lets me anticipate some fallout after dealing with fear and truth, and know that when it comes, it’s a goodsign!

Just writing this has given me a whole new outlook, burst of energy, and an honest-to-god smile! There’s got to be a pony in here some where!

Thank you for listening, for caring, and for slaying your own dragons, armed, perhaps, with nothing more than faith and a desire to be true to who you really are. That YOU is love!!! You have my support and love! Maria

Artwork and soulwork

                               

March 13, 2011              
Started cleaning out drawers, boxes, and my closet last week. (Amazing how fast I have settled in, spread out, and accumulated stuff!)  Time for movin' is near, it feels.

In the cleaning out, I saw my pastels, which I haven't used since I got here.  I had missed them!  So I went and got a drawing pad, and have had fun.  Especially since I think I had been waiting for the right time, enough space, yakkity, yakkity, and then just decided to DO IT.  Draw, express, release, relax, let go!  Some of the "drawings" express anger and frustration, others let me feel the peace and detail of life.  Here they are. 

They are on 9 x 12 paper, and are available to you, for a love donation $!$!$!  Enjoy!!! 
     

  

Winds of Change 3/10/11

March 10, 2011                                     


The winds of change have been gale force these past several weeks. Days have blown one into the other, and when nighttime comes and I’ve made it through one more day intact, I am grateful, and then I pass out.

The aspirations I had of writing every day about my “adventures” or experiences have recently been replaced by a journal of all my dad’s daily antics. Um, I mean activities. Or lack thereof. The changes he was going through were so fast and dramatic, that I felt like I wanted to have something to look back on, to be able to note when a certain behavior or symptom or function became different, or disappeared altogether. The daily logs got longer and longer, with more and more detail, and finally, after nearly two months, I decided it was too much. That it ALL was too much. And then began the downward spiral. The energies that at one time felt helpful and positive became stagnant and hostile. I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way, I was tired all of the time, I couldn’t stand to be around my dad, was tired of doing for him all the time, and could only focus on what all was wrong and rotten.

Material for crazy-making. There were a few incidents that brought me to my knees, took me to meltdown and breakdown, and forced me to take action. The proverbial two-by-four, you might say, and it was much needed! I finally saw clearly, and mostly, admitted to myself, that I am NOT happy at all, quite the opposite, and that what I had deemed to be my responsibility really wasn’t at all. I am not responsible for my dad’s happiness or health. Ultimately, HE is.

It is said that anger is a great gift, a tool that gets us moving out of stuckness. In my case, it certainly was.

Things have since gotten both worse and better. I am facing some huge fears right now that have lingered way too long with me in my life, and are clearly ready to be transformed into something much more loving. Thank you for being with me on this journey, and know that you are with me in each struggle and victory, each breakdown and breakthrough, and each challenge and reward.

Hold tightly to your dreams. Know that they are coming true before you now. You are healed and loved.
 We are all in this together. Love, love, Love, Maria