The winds of change have been gale force these past several weeks. Days have blown one into the other, and when nighttime comes and I’ve made it through one more day intact, I am grateful, and then I pass out.
The aspirations I had of writing every day about my “adventures” or experiences have recently been replaced by a journal of all my dad’s daily antics. Um, I mean activities. Or lack thereof. The changes he was going through were so fast and dramatic, that I felt like I wanted to have something to look back on, to be able to note when a certain behavior or symptom or function became different, or disappeared altogether. The daily logs got longer and longer, with more and more detail, and finally, after nearly two months, I decided it was too much. That it ALL was too much. And then began the downward spiral. The energies that at one time felt helpful and positive became stagnant and hostile. I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way, I was tired all of the time, I couldn’t stand to be around my dad, was tired of doing for him all the time, and could only focus on what all was wrong and rotten.
Material for crazy-making. There were a few incidents that brought me to my knees, took me to meltdown and breakdown, and forced me to take action. The proverbial two-by-four, you might say, and it was much needed! I finally saw clearly, and mostly, admitted to myself, that I am NOT happy at all, quite the opposite, and that what I had deemed to be my responsibility really wasn’t at all. I am not responsible for my dad’s happiness or health. Ultimately, HE is.
It is said that anger is a great gift, a tool that gets us moving out of stuckness. In my case, it certainly was.
Things have since gotten both worse and better. I am facing some huge fears right now that have lingered way too long with me in my life, and are clearly ready to be transformed into something much more loving. Thank you for being with me on this journey, and know that you are with me in each struggle and victory, each breakdown and breakthrough, and each challenge and reward.
Hold tightly to your dreams. Know that they are coming true before you now. You are healed and loved.
We are all in this together. Love, love, Love, Maria
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