Truth's deception

March 16, 2011

Having to tell the truth is hard. Telling the truth is harder still. AND the truth shall set you free

It did me, for a while. I used to think that telling the truth and facing my fears would send them off into never-never land, never to be seen again. As of late, however, my current theory (based on experience!) is that fear may leave, but it’s so mad to be gone, that it sends in its little warriors to just mess with me, to test my courage and conviction, my strength and stamina, and to see if I cave to what FEAR figured that it was all along - the boss!
(FEAR is an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real”…….)

Just this week, on Monday, I faced a huge fear (huge to me!) of deciding to really move from my dad’s house, of going out into the great unknown with seemingly few resources, of bailing on him when he needs help, and of facing his possible anger when I told him. It wasn’t the THAT I was moving that could set him off, but the WHY. It’s hard to tell a parent that they are emotionally draining and demanding, more than being too physically in need. It was for me, anyway.

 And I did it.

Telling him this seemingly simple decision or piece of information seemed to represent for me all the years
(50 some!) of holding back my truth and my feelings, for fear of being verbally insulted, assaulted and impuned. So it really felt great - to quit worrying and fearing, and just tell my truth, face my terror, and know that whatever the outcome, I would be OK.
 Not being afraid of him anymore is pretty much a dragon slain.

The next day, yesterday, seemed to be really good. I felt calmer than I had in a long time; detached would be a fitting word. I made phone calls, filled out paperwork, and did reading that I’d put off for several weeks. My creativity was high, my energy was even and positive, and my faith in what is possible was renewed.

And then TODAY, the warriors came in, heavily armed and relentless.
Taking in all my paperwork for the second time to an accountant to do my taxes, I found that I STILL didn’t have everything that I needed, and would have to come back yet again. This, coupled with just another reminder, in black and white, of how much I don’t have financially, took me by the nape of the neck, and flung me headlong into a black funk. I could feel it coming for me, tried to run, but missed the mark. Those dam warriors!!! They are GOOD!
To try to get out of the spiraling funk, I decided to do something productive. Like look for somewhere to move. Called apartment managers, Craigslist ads, and people renting rooms. Could it GET any more depressing???!!!! Clearly not. Adding insult to injury is the phrase, I believe.
I’d had enough.

After saying a prayer to Archangel Michael (“Please help me, Please help me, Please help me!!”), I mustered up enough energy to get out of my own way and deal with one of dad’s dilemmas, make some phone calls, and write.
 This.
It may not necessarily be a way OUT, but it’s certainly a way Through.

My point, I guess, and I think I had one…………is that when I do face a fear, everything that had been hiding behind it also has a chance to come up and be aired. Those are the creatures that I was not aware of when dueling with the original FEAR, and even though they are just as cruel, harsh, and scary, I see now that they are just as illusionary, draining on my energy and creativity, and ready to be dispelled as their original namesake.
For this realization, I am most grateful! It lets me anticipate some fallout after dealing with fear and truth, and know that when it comes, it’s a goodsign!

Just writing this has given me a whole new outlook, burst of energy, and an honest-to-god smile! There’s got to be a pony in here some where!

Thank you for listening, for caring, and for slaying your own dragons, armed, perhaps, with nothing more than faith and a desire to be true to who you really are. That YOU is love!!! You have my support and love! Maria