Butterfly

November 2, 2012

He was so beautiful! I saw him on the sidewalk, crawling on the concrete, little legs barely moving, and wings slowly opening and closing in the late, warm afternoon sun. I’d seen so many butterflies for the last several weeks, and many of them flying recklessly to their death, that at first, I thought he was just one more on his way out. But he caught my eye, and I was instantly struck by the colors on his wings. In circles on the backs of his wings - circles which, to his predators, look like big eyes - were pink and blue! On an otherwise plain brown butterfly. Not like the average butterfly I’d been seeing around town for the past weeks. The more I looked at him, the more intricate designs and stunning beauty I saw. I set down my belongings to cup my hands around him, give him some shade, and just admire his beauty. I also said a prayer that he would magically get up and fly away, though I kind of knew better. I couldn’t bear to walk away and leave him there to die, or worse, get stepped on. So I gently lifted him when he walked onto my finger, and set him on my blouse, where he sat easily and held tightly all the way through the parking lot to my car, then all the way home in the car. At home, I set him on the sofa, where he continued to move a bit, weakly, with wings mostly closed. I figured he was slowly dying, and I just sat and watched him for a long time.

This morning, he was still in the same place, and when I touched him, he moved ever so slightly. Still kickin’. What a tough one! I left him alone and went about my day, not sure why I had brought him home or what I was going to do with him.

This afternoon, I was pretty sure he was finally dead, as he was very still, with no leg movements or wing movements. But when I went to pick up his tiny body, his legs were stuck in the sofa fabric. Maybe he wasn’t dead! I left him there, and said a prayer over him. A prayer of peace, and gratitude that I had gotten to see him. His wings were folded shut, which bummed me out, because they were so beautiful when they were opened. But I left them alone, figuring it was a Nature thing that happened when a butterfly died. I remember years ago when I found a dead dove, and its wings were precisely and delicately wrapped around itself, as though in protection and love. Like it had provided its own ceremonial shroud; one of a most tender and precious embrace.

The day has passed, and when I came and looked at him tonight, there he was, lifeless, with his wings magnificently, beautifully, opened! It made me gasp, then cry. He was so beautiful! It felt like a huge gift.

As I look at him now, I feel an intense and unexplainable connection to him, an immense appreciation for his presence, and a sense that something much bigger is watching over me, giving me wings that, when needed, will unfurl and carry me where I need to go, in beauty and in grace, in love and in magic!

Epiphany!

January 6, 2012

Epiphany

“Dance like no one is watching.”
“Sing like you can’t be heard.”
“Work like you don’t need the money.”
“Love like you’ve never been hurt.”
“Live like it’s heaven on earth.”

I’ve just gotten off the phone, from doing a long-distance reading. The way I feel is alive, excited, fulfilled. It’s a great feeling, and I’d like to feel this way all the time. Like I’m doing what I am meant to do, what I do easily and happily, and what brings me and others joy and fulfillment (and in this case, clarity!). I feel fortunate to be able to do what I do, to be able to hear from Divinity and to pass it on to people for confirmation of their dreams and desires. Today, one of the many messages was for the person (on the other end of the phone) to use his intellect to be more like a child. To be in the wonder and laughter that a child is; to notice the small things in life and be grateful for them; and specifically, to write stories for and about children. As this message was coming, it came with much alliteration and simplicity. Just like a child’s book. When the man heard this, he told me that he has, for years, dreamed of doing exactly that, write children’s books, but felt that he couldn’t, as he wasn’t the ‘artistic one’ in the family. His sibling had the rights to that. So to speak. My heart and brain just wanted to jump up and tell him that EVERYone in his family who wanted to could write. Or draw. Or paint. Or sing. Or create any life they wanted. That we are all artistic in some way or another, and only our limited ways of thinking keep us from doing anything, and usually, everything, that we want!!!!

But I didn’t, as that’s not my role in giving a reading. My role is simply to share information that Spirit (my Higher Self, God, Divinity, Angels, Guides, etc.) may give me. And when I do that, the judgment part of my brain subsides, and I get to hear much higher ideas. Today, I heard that I, too, can do whatever I want to do; all I have to do is DO it. And one thing (of many) that I want to, love to, do is write. I know this for certain, because whenever I hear someone give all the reasons they don’t write, even though they want to, I cringe and think they are only afraid of ‘not doing it right.’ They can’t because someone else is the writer. Or they don’t have a degree, or the time, or a great vocabulary, or, or, or….

And after the reading today, I realize that I have much to say, love to say it, and am now being encouraged by Spirit to say it in writing. No excuses today, for now. Though here are most of the ones I’ve got in my arsenal ~

No one will read it anyway.
I might come off sounding boasty and know-it-all.
I don’t have the time or the attention span. It takes too long to write something worthwhile.
I don’t know what to write about.

Those are the ones I’ve been hearing most recently. And I know that they are just my fear acting out, keeping me from doing what I love to do, no matter how it looks in the end. Ir makes me think of all the people I have known that don’t dance because they’ll ‘look silly.’ Wow. THAT makes me so sad!!! Dancing is like the best thing anyone can do in this life, and we ALL look silly, to someone. And we ALL look awesome to someone. The same goes for drawing, writing, singing, storytelling, cooking, etc., etc., etc. The list goes on and on. Sometimes, I think that in the doing what we are most afraid of,  lies the power and the fulfillment. Not in the outcome or the act itself, but in the endeavor to move past the grip of fear.

I remember a comedy class that I took while living in Atlanta. It was about 5 weeks long, and our ’graduation’ was doing our rehearsed comedy routine for the public (a.k.a. total strangers!) one evening at Jerry Farber’s, a local pub. We were ALL scared and nervous, for sure. That we’d forget our routine, mess up our lines, draw a blank, look like a fool, not get any laughs, etc Well, not getting any laughs was certainly a valid fear, right? J And what is so funny is that for all of us, the experience was the same. We didn’t remember ANYthing about our time on the stage!! It was all a blur that sped by in a second, and then we were returning to our seats. Wow. We didn’t remember laughter or lack of it. Lines done well or total blank air. All we knew was that we had done it - gotten up there and given it our best.

And lived through it!!!! (I also remember that in rehearsal, a few of the students who were obviously really nervous, were the ones who came off the funniest and made us laugh.)
I think that’s what it’s really all about in life. Just trying something we’ve always wanted to try. Follow a dream that has always tugged at our heart. Living a little bigger than we have before. And be, in the process, inspiration for someone else who just might be watching!
　

Passion!!!

October 3, 2012

Oh, my!  It has been a long time since I put in a blog.  I actually have written a lot the past couple of months; just haven't remembered to post them.  A new item on my monthly goal list!  One I wrote a few weeks ago (below) is from an exercise I did that asked me to write freely about my passions.  What I thought I would write, and what actually came out on the page were different creatures.  I love the one that my passions wrote!  Here 'tis...........

My Passions

Sleeping and resting are good for my soul.
Singing and dancing let my arms wave and my legs relax.
Asking for help opens my heart, throat, and hands.
Looking upward stretches my neck and vision.
Helping others makes me feel good!  And lets what I have out of hiding.
Giving the children encouragement's a treat, because they are so full of abundance, it flows out before my eyes!
Letting in compliments opens my shoulders and lets my ears open, too.
Listening to and feeling beautiful music puts things into alignment - heaven, heart, and earth.  Heals what needs healing.
Showing others how to do something and seeing them get it! lets something else come to me to show.
Providing someone with money to help out and fill a dream gives my heart a place to rest.
Seeing others laugh makes me smile.
Getting to be the source of their laughter brings God to the equation.
Riding with the windows down allows clouds inside.
Magic and fun allow me to be young.
Watching people kiss sends me into hope for myself.
Watching children hold hands lets me feel connected to Source.
Playing with kids let me be a kid.
Eating yummy food when I'm hungry gives me the sensation of perfect harmony and bliss.
Getting extra money gives me the right to share it.
Watching movies that move me are here for me to learn to write and make my own scripts.  And to think deeply, cry loudly, and laugh heartily.
Talking with friends lets my throat and heart engage.
Being outside in nature lets in the sounds into my own sounds - they begin to match each other.
Praying and writing allow God to show up in my body - in the physical so I can know Divinity first hand!

Kids for the day....

August 13, 2012

“I was just wondering…my wife and I need to go to a luncheon today, and we need someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours. Any chance you can do it?”
“Can I DO it??? How much will I owe you?!”

I love their kids - three of them, 9, 6, and 5. They are precious, and I haven’t seen much of them all summer. During the school year, when weather was nice and I kept my door open, they were up at my place most afternoons, if only to say hi and get some snacks. (Little Ezra told me recently, “Yeah, Miss Maria, that’s why we love to come to your house! ‘Cause you have the BEST apples!” Which is so cute, because their mom knows this, and has told me, We HAVE apples!” I’m touched. Have I mentioned that I LOVE those kids?!)

They would be here for two hours with me, and I was kind of wondering what we would do for that time, on a rainy morning. Thinking that seemed like a long time, I had a mental list of possible activities. (None of which we needed after all!)  Up they came at 10:00, library books and sweatshirts in hand. Just in case. First item on the agenda was snacks - apples, of course, and some water. Little Eva wanted to sit on the back porch, so out we all filed to munch and visit.

 For two minutes, until they were on the stairs and down the stairs, and over to the palm trees to check out the orange fruit on the ground. (The rains magically had subsided!) EVERYthing is a game and a toy, intriguing and fun to them. The fruit became ammunition from a slingshot, baseballs for a palm frond bat, and things to be squished underfoot. Climbing the tree, knocking off the fruit, finding bugs in the trunk, pulling off dead parts of the tree. . . it’s all in the moment’s play for them. No missed opportunity for discovery or destruction! J

“Should we show her our secret hut?”
“YES!! Come and see our hut!”
In what can loosely be called our backyard, is a cluster of a few palms and bushes that are, well, natural (aka neglected and unkempt) - a perfect place for a secret hideout.

Into the umbrella of the palms we went, hunkered down and watching our steps. Lots of tenacious, thorny vines love to grow around the tree, and are vicious and prevalent. So while they swept the ‘living room’ floor with a palm branch, I headed in for my pruning shears and gloves. Evah ran to her yard for a bucket for the refuse, and dive into cleaning the hut, we did. Pulling and tugging, clipping and raking, we cleared out a lot of them and suddenly, the hut was beginning to like home! A wooden plank became the kitchen table for our snacks, dead branches and palm leaves became walls, and a couple of towels were our furniture. It was lovely! We even found a way to combat the gnats and mosquitos that were in on the action, too: alcohol, cold rags, and peppermint lotion. Yea!! We were set. Hut, sweet hut!

Next, as work was done and stomachs rumbled, we decided on Waffle House, their favorite, and something of a treat for them. Off we went, ready for a few Grand Slams and waffles! Waiting for our food was just one more opportunity to play - forks and a napkin became a sailboat, spoon and a napkin, a bride, and straw and wrapper, a bb gun. Way too fun!!! Too bad there wasn’t an adult in the group! J

Our food was just what we all wanted, and was heartily and quickly consumed. Within what seemed like seconds after their last bite, the kids were up and ready to go, play, move, now that they were newly fueled. It’s such an amazing process to see in action!!! I remember being at a kids’ birthday party a few years ago, where the dad who was grilling out the burgers and hot dogs got a late start, and the kids were hot and tired after jumping on a jumping castle and running around the yard. They were sort of limply sitting around, looking bored and hungry. Finally, when the food was ready, they dived in, ate about half of what was on their plate, and literally, within a minute after eating, were back up jumping around like crazy. It blew my mind!!!

It was now off to the beach to feed our leftover toast to the seagulls. What a trip THAT is!! Once ONE gull sees food in the air or on the ground, all alerts are on, and every gull from 50 yards around comes swooping in. Well behaved, for the most part, they take turns grabbing the pieces thrown in the air. On the ground, however, it’s another story. Man! What squaking and yelling! Every bird for himself at that point.
Tide was low so we got to walk out to a shallow sandbar and cool down, look for shells, and chase seagulls. Without swimsuits, though, full immersion had to wait. We’d go get our suits and come back later. But first, off to the library while it was still open to return books and check out some new ones, with sweatshirts in tow. (It‘s cold in the library!)

The kids section of the library is so fun!! There are tables of puzzles, a dollhouse, computer games and stuffed animals. We were there for a good hour, each of us in our own little world, mellowing out and discovering all kinds of new books and games. It was already after 2pm by now; Ezra started wearing down, ready to go home and get a nap, and I was on the same page. So to speak. So we headed out with books and cd’s on Star Wars and caterpillars, Brer Rabbit and Veggie Tales, ready for some rest and reading.

Just as we were leaving, their dad called to remind them that they had a 3pm birthday party to attend. Wow! That’s a full day. They got home in time to check in, go back out and revisit the hut, run around the yard a few times, and say bye to me on the way to the party. Whew! Awesome day. I am blessed. I don’t know who had more fun - the kids or me. I think we’ll call it a tie. And now, I'm going to go take a nap!

　

February 2, 2012

It is a perfect day, perfect time, and I feel that all is perfect. I’m mellow, connected with Spirit and myself, at peace, filled with ideas and inspiration, in silence and fulfillment, with a still and peaceful atmosphere all around me, nowhere to go and no appointments. Aaahhhh - surrendering to just being here, not feeling like I should be doing something, or something else. Angel’s (and Angels!) here with me, a blessed sign. She and I have been at odds with each other (and ourselves?) for a few days now. Since she woke me last Tuesday at 5 a.m. when I was not ready to be awake, and which, I realized later in the day, pissed me off royally! So I cold-shouldered her for a day or two, then she did the same to me for a couple of days. Man! That cat can sling some major attitude!
It bothers her that I am gone a lot, busy when I’m home, and not into hanging out with her outside at night and/or at 4-5 a.m. Clearly, we are on different schedules! Reminds me of a country song from back in the 70’s - “While he’s kickin’ his shoes off, she’s puttin’ hers on, she’s got the Friday night blues.”'

Anyone who has a pet, a pet who is as much a friend as a human friend, knows how easily they can get us to give into their every whim. Angel (my cat), though aptly named, can really just play me to the point of ridiculous! She has me hooked and bowing to her before I even realize it! I’ve learned that if I do one thing, one time, that it can just as easily become an expected trick and routine that I am to comply with from then on. For example, she has always had a fascination with running water. In Tucson, I watered the garden, a meditative exercise that I loved. The first time Angel saw the spraying water, she freaked out and ran away. The next time, she stayed put, but eyed me from a distance. Finally, she worked her way to the spray of water, and began to claw at it. As I would pass the water back and forth, she chased it, biting and clawing at it until she was soaked and worn out. If I hadn’t seen Angel for a number of hours, all I had to do was turn on the hose, and there she’d come, from whatever part of the yard or the neighborhood she’d been. That went of for months, until one chilly February morning, when she got sopping wet and way too cold. Like the whole time, she never really put the two together - chase water, get wet. I don’t know, but she just never played with it again.

She still has a periodic interest in running water, though - specifically in the bathtub faucet, hopping on the tub when water’s running. A few months ago, she jumped into the tub and sat there, looking up at the faucet and then over at me. Hmmmm……I turned on the water and she sat there and lapped it up for a long time! Now this is something of a ritual, and especially important to her right as I am getting ready to leave the house. As I go for my keys, she races into the bathroom, and up into the tub. And I fall for it every time! As seems to happen with each new ritual, I have learned HOW exactly to do it for her optimal happiness. For example, while she’s lapping up the water, she loves me to rub her head. Or hold my hand over part of the faucet that allows droplets to land in her eye. Or both.

When I was living in Destin over the summer, with my friend and her family, Angel had to basically stay outside and live on the screened in porch, as she and the resident cats weren’t, well, “friendly” with each other. I missed her a lot, as we didn’t really get to hang out that much, unless I sat outside (mosquito city!) with her when I was home. That wasn’t such a fun option, so I decided to sleep out on the screened-in porch with her on the futon at night, with a fan and earplugs. (The frogs there were so loud!!! Like a rock concert going on all night……) It was pretty humid and hot, but came to be really comfortable and comforting as the night (and the weeks) went on.

 Her food and water bowl were out there, as well. For a few weeks, there was a family of frogs that were loved eating her food!! It was a riot to see this big old frog hanging on the side of her bowl, just having a feast. Then he’d hop off (lumber along is more like it), and Junior would head on in. Bold, yes, but very shy, too. Angel seemed not to mind at all. Funny what animals will live in harmony.

One night about 9:00, Angel was with me up on the futon, both of us about half asleep, when there was a rustling sound over in the corner by her food bowl. It was way too loud to be a frog, for sure. We both sat up and saw, just munching away, a baby opossum!!!!! Neither of us moved or breathed! Just sat there in amazement as this little critter ate to his heart’s content. When he was done, and turned to leave, he spotted US, and froze! He didn’t seem to know whether to run for safety or to play opossum, hoping we wouldn’t catch on. The more scared he got, scurrying back and forth across the screen, the further back on the futon Angel and I scooted. After about 20 minutes of this, he found his way to, and out of, the screen door. Whew! Neither of us moved for about 5 minutes. I was just stunned and more than a little freaked out. For the rest of our time there, my friend Jan couldn’t figure why Angel was so skittish “out there on the porch.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell her why. It’s the only time I have kept a secret with my cat.

Yes, there are stories galore that I have about my cat, my pet, my friend, as I’m sure you have about yours. And all are dear to the heart, right? Write one and send it to me! Maybe I’ll put together a book of pet stories. Wouldn’t that be some sweet reading!? Thanks, and love to you and yours! J

Automatic writing, Feb 2012

I'd hoped I'd see more of my own life flourishing by now, but instead, I've seen all of life flourishing.  I've seen mysef in mirrors, flowers, and those that I despise.  I've seen them in robes and crowns, smiling at me and smoking cigars.

In shadowed nights, the soul's messages are more deeply hidden.  More acutely described to the mind when it's not thinking.  More alerted by slience and inability to move about freely.

Whatever's moving through one of us is moving through all of us.  No more pain than freedom.  No more lucrative deals than rotten deals gone bad.  No more hollow than fulfilled, or forgiven than really still pissed off at.  And for this I'm grateful.  Forever giving myself the chance to adopt a new frame of reference, I feel afraid most of the time. 

My mother's energy, from time to time, absorbs me so fully that I can feel it, feel her, and my heart's all part of my limbs and organs.  we are one.

Angel's tricks.....

February 2, 2012

It is a perfect day, perfect time, and I feel that all is perfect. I’m mellow, connected with Spirit and myself, at peace, filled with ideas and inspiration, in silence and fulfillment, with a still and peaceful atmosphere all around me, nowhere to go and no appointments. Aaahhhh - surrendering to just being here, not feeling like I should be doing something, or something else. Angel’s (and Angels!) here with me, a blessed sign. She and I have been at odds with each other (and ourselves?) for a few days now. Since she woke me last Tuesday at 5 a.m. when I was not ready to be awake, and which, I realized later in the day, pissed me off royally! So I cold-shouldered her for a day or two, then she did the same to me for a couple of days. Man! That cat can sling some major attitude!

It bothers her that I am gone a lot, busy when I’m home, and not into hanging out with her outside at night and/or at 4-5 a.m. Clearly, we are on different schedules! Reminds me of a country song from back in the 70’s - “While he’s kickin’ his shoes off, she’s puttin’ hers on, she’s got the Friday night blues.”

Anyone who has a pet, a pet who is as much a friend as a human friend, knows how easily they can get us to give into their every whim. Angel (my cat), though aptly named, can really just play me to the point of ridiculous! She has me hooked and bowing to her before I even realize it! I’ve learned that if I do one thing, one time, that it can just as easily become an expected trick and routine that I am to comply with from then on. For example, she has always had a fascination with running water. In Tucson, I watered the garden, a meditative exercise that I loved. The first time Angel saw the spraying water, she freaked out and ran away. The next time, she stayed put, but eyed me from a distance. Finally, she worked her way to the spray of water, and began to claw at it. As I would pass the water back and forth, she chased it, biting and clawing at it until she was soaked and worn out. If I hadn’t seen Angel for a number of hours, all I had to do was turn on the hose, and there she’d come, from whatever part of the yard or the neighborhood she’d been. That went of for months, until one chilly February morning, when she got sopping wet and way too cold. Like the whole time, she never really put the two together - chase water, get wet. I don’t know, but she just never played with it again.
　She still has a periodic interest in running water, though - specifically in the bathtub faucet, hopping on the tub when water’s running. A few months ago, she jumped into the tub and sat there, looking up at the faucet and then over at me. Hmmmm……I turned on the water and she sat there and lapped it up for a long time! Now this is something of a ritual, and especially important to her right as I am getting ready to leave the house. As I go for my keys, she races into the bathroom, and up into the tub. And I fall for it every time! As seems to happen with each new ritual, I have learned HOW exactly to do it for her optimal happiness. For example, while she’s lapping up the water, she loves me to rub her head. Or hold my hand over part of the faucet that allows droplets to land in her eye. Or both.
When I was living in Destin over the summer, with my friend and her family, Angel had to basically stay outside and live on the screened in porch, as she and the resident cats weren’t, well, “friendly” with each other. I missed her a lot, as we didn’t really get to hang out that much, unless I sat outside (mosquito city!) with her when I was home. That wasn’t such a fun option, so I decided to sleep out on the porch with her on the futon at night, with a fan and earplugs. (The frogs there were so loud!!! Like a rock concert going on all night……) It was pretty humid and hot, but came to be really comfortable and comforting as the night (and the weeks) went on. Her food and water bowl were out there, as well. For a few weeks, there was a family of frogs that were loved eating her food!! It was a riot to see this big old frog hanging on the side of her bowl, just having a feast. Then he’d hop off (lumber along is more like it), and Junior would head on in. Bold, yes, but very shy, too. Angel seemed not to mind at all. Funny what animals will live in harmony.
One night about 9:00, Angel was with me up on the futon, both of us about half asleep, when there was a rustling sound over in the corner by her food bowl. It was way too loud to be a frog, for sure. We both sat up and saw, just munching away, a baby opossum!!!!! Neither of us moved or breathed! Just sat there in amazement as this little critter ate to his heart’s content. When he was done, and turned to leave, he spotted US, and froze! He didn’t seem to know whether to run for safety or to play opossum, hoping we wouldn’t catch on. The more scared he got, scurrying back and forth across the screen, the further back on the futon Angel and I scooted. After about 20 minutes of this, he found his way to, and out of, the screen door. Whew! Neither of us moved for about 5 minutes. I was just stunned and more than a little freaked out. For the rest of our time there, my friend Jan couldn’t figure why Angel was so skittish “out there on the porch.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell her why. It’s the only time I have kept a secret with my cat.
Yes, there are stories galore that I have about my cat, my pet, my friend, as I’m sure you have about yours. And all are dear to the heart, right? Write one and send it to me! Maybe I’ll put together a book of pet stories. Wouldn’t that be some sweet reading!? Thanks, and love to you and yours! J

Automatic Writing 2/7/2012

How hard it's got to be to understand what was meant to be not understood. 
How awful to find out what's not meant to be found.
And how truly sorrowful to believe in what's not truth.
For one and for all, my confession's not one of honesty, but of guilt and necessity.
However hard it may be to revel in all good, I'll find a way to become heavy-hearted.

Without a trace, the wind's tides have brought in a new air, a way of seeing through dust, storm coulds, and mud.  Seeing from a place where eyes are made of love.
Seeing from a place now known as me.
Within the ambitions of hurt and release, my soul's too busy with alchemy to notice rudeness or aloof situations.
Sad no lolnger.  Reveling in harmony and love.

Letter to a friend........

I have some great email 'pen pals' that write some super stuff.  J is one of them.  She and I are big fans of each others' writings.  She often encourages me to write more, write a book, etc.  Most recently, after a letter to her last week.  So I'll share it here..........as sort of an update of life, as well.  Blessings!  M

oh, J. thank you for this note!  I had been thinking of you last week, and wow! that I hadn't been in touch in a long time!  I swear, most days, I don't really feel like I'm living on the same planet Earth that I used to....time and situations just move and morph so fast, that I just wake up each day, say some prayers, breathe in and out 3 times to my heart, think of 3 things that I want and feel how that would feel, praise God for my lungs, legs, home, and health, and just wait to see what the day holds.  It is just a trip.  No 2 days are remotely the same, I am able to move through pain and disillusionment more quickly than before, I am facing fears on a regular basis, and my reward for everything is getting to walk over to the ocean (gulf!) and just BE for a while!

 

Work is so fun, when it is available.  I love, love, love, the place I work and my co-workers; I feel really at home where I am, and for the most part, have plenty to keep me busy.  I do miss, though, a good friend to go hang out with.  But M. says that will take time.  My cat is my sweetie now; just got her a cat door today, so she can come and go more easily.  Until now, she had to either stay in or out for hours, depending on my schedule.  As she is nocturnal, she is always wanting out between 11p - 5a.  Not my best hours for hanging out outside!!!!  :)

 

Winter here is mild, though we have had some good cold stuff, in the 30's..........2 days later, tho, it's back in the 60's, like Tucson.  There is a lot of gloomy weather, though, which is weird.  I'm so used to sunshine!!!  AND I like the sun!  :)  One good thing is that I'm getting used to, and not afraid of, driving in the rain.  One more thing, fear, I have overcome since being here.  I'll tell you, I am learning so much about myself here.  It really is like I'm in another world!  And it's nice being far from my family.  I like not being part of their drama anymore.  I still love them and am in touch with them (when they choose to be in touch with me is more like it...........), but get to be where I am more me.  You know??

 

I am MUCH better than I have been since I arrived.  Two things happened that have helped. ONe, I just let go my worry about money.  It was making me SO old looking, and was ruining my joy in life!  When I made a list of everything that was good in my life, there were like 400 things.  When I made a list of what wasn't so great, there was one thing.  Money.  So I decided to just surrender, and THAT was huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And interestingly, my money has gotten better!!  Isn't that funny?  The other thing is that I started taking SamE, something M. and another friend had told me about a while back for their own use and reasons.  It's meant for joint flexibility, which I could use to keep my hands and arms flexible for massage, but another use is for depression.  And I'll tell you, I think it has really helped me stay away from the mood slumps that I was experiencing since I got here (and maybe before I moved!!!)  I am SO grateful because being bummed out is just hard for me to move away from or out of on my own. 

 

So thank you for all of your prayers.  I KNOW that my life is blessed and healed through others' prayers.  And I know that you pray for me, J.  You are so dear, so devoted, and so full of love and caring.  Don't think I don't notice or appreciate that my life is better because of your love for me and your prayer.  And please know that I send prayers your way, as well, for all of your family, for love, safety, comfort, and more.  You all are such great and cool people!  I feel really blessed to know you.  And REALLY grateful for you writing!!!!  Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yesterday was a gloomy, rainy day, and I got to spend a LONg time on the computer; got all my emails cleared out, updated and read,  and now can keep ahead of correspondence, I hope, more regularly.  That stuff can get so out of hand!!!  As I also do all of my bill paying and banking online, there's a lot to keep up with!  I actually really love technology, and am doing my best to use it welll.  Just got an MP3 player, which I love!  Don't know how to use it to its fullest yet, but, like everything else, am taking it a step at a time.

 

OK, dear, best go.  I love you and all of your family and love of your family.  Glad you had a good holiday and that you are all together.  Know that L. is in my prayers.  God works miracles all the time.  And timing is everything!  C. has a light in him that is only under a bushel basket right now, searching for its way out.  He IS the light, right?  So he shall find a way to let it shine, to be the light that he is.  As shall we all. 

AMEN!  :)

 

Love galore to you, my Divine friend here on Earth!!! xoxo Maria

letter to a friend....

I have some great email 'pen pals' that write some great stuff!  One, JA, writes these powerful letters that just make me cry, they are so rich.  We are big fans of each others' writing; after I ask her permission, I'll post one of her letters.  In the meantime, I will post one that I'd written to her, prior to her response that I should write a book!  Yep, a dream that I and so many others have......
Since she liked it so much, I will share it here, and hope you do, too!  xoxo Maria

oh, JoAnn, thank you for this note!  I had been thinking of you last week, and wow! that I hadn't been in touch in a long time!  I swear, most days, I don't really feel like I'm living on the same planet Earth that I used to....time and situations just move and morph so fast, that I just wake up each day, say some prayers, breathe in and out 3 times to my heart, think of 3 things that I want and feel how that would feel, praise God for my lungs, legs, home, and health, and just wait to see what the day holds.  It is just a trip.  No 2 days are remotely the same, I am able to move through pain and disillusionment more quickly than before, I am facing fears on a regular basis, and my reward for everything is getting to walk over to the ocean (gulf!) and just BE for a while!

 

Work is so fun, when it is available.  I love, love, love, the place I work and my co-workers; I feel really at home where I am, and for the most part, have plenty to keep me busy.  I do miss, though, a good friend to go hang out with.  But Mel says that will take time.  My cat is my sweetie now; just got her a cat door today, so she can come and go more easily.  Until now, she had to either stay in or out for hours, depending on my schedule.  As she is nocturnal, she is always wanting out between 11p - 5a.  Not my best hours for hanging out outside!!!!  :)

 

Winter here is mild, though we have had some good cold stuff, in the 30's..........2 days later, tho, it's back in the 60's, like Tucson.  There is a lot of gloomy weather, though, which is weird.  I'm so used to sunshine!!!  AND I like the sun!  :)  One good thing is that I'm getting used to, and not afraid of, driving in the rain.  One more thing, fear, I have overcome since being here.  I'll tell you, I am learning so much about myself here.  It really is like I'm in another world!  And it's nice being far from my family.  I like not being part of their drama anymore.  I still love them and am in touch with them (when they choose to be in touch with me is more like it...........), but get to be where I am more me.  You know??

 

I am MUCH better than I have been since I arrived.  Two things happened that have helped. One, I just let go my worry about money.  It was making me SO old looking, and was ruining my joy in life!  When I made a list of everything that was good in my life, there were like 400 things.  When I made a list of what wasn't so great, there was one thing.  Money.  So I decided to just surrender, and THAT was huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And interestingly, my money has gotten better!!  Isn't that funny?  The other thing is that I started taking SamE, something Mel and anothte r friend had told me about a while back for their won use and reasons.  It's meant for joint flexibility, which I could use to keep my hands and arms flexible for massage, but another use is for depression.  And I'll tell you, I think it has really helped me stay away from the mood slumps that I was experiencing since I got here (and maybe before I moved!!!)  I am SO grateful because being bummed out is just hard for me to move away from or out of on my own. 

 

So thank you for all of your prayers.  I KNOW that my life is blessed and healed through others' prayers.  And I know that you pray for me, Jo Ann.  You are so dear, so devoted, and so full of love and caring.  Don't think I don't notice or appreciate that my life is better because of your love for me and your prayer.  And please know that I send prayers your way, as well, for all of your family, for love, safety, comfort, and more.  You all are such great and cool people!  I feel really blessed to know you.  And REALLY grateful for you writing!!!!  Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yesterday was a gloomy, rainy day, and I got to spend a LONg time on the computer; got all my emails cleared out, updated and read,  and now can keep ahead of correspondence, I hope, more regularly.  That stuff can get so out of hand!!!  As I also do all of my bill paying and banking online, there's a lot to keep up with!  I actually really love technology, and am doing my best to use it welll.  Just got an MP3 player, which I love!  Don't know how to use it to its fullest yet, but, like everything else, am taking it a step at a time.

 

OK, dear, best go.  I love you and all of your family and love of your family.  Glad you had a good holiday and that you are all together.  Know that Leese is in my prayers.  God works miracles all the time.  And timing is everything!  Chris has a light in him that is only under a bushel basket right now, searching for its way out.  He IS the light, right?  So he shall find a way to let it shine, to be the light that he is.  As shall we all. 

AMEN!  :)

 

Love galore to you, my Divine friend here on Earth!!! xoxo Maria

Over overwhelm!

January 7, 2011

It is really easy for me to get overwhelmed. I don’t “do” Christmas, I avoid malls, dance clubs make me reel, and festivals, classes, and parties with too many people and activity make me want to take a nap. At parties and gatherings, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. It’s quiet and solitary. I also eat a lot, out of nervousness, I suppose. Overwhelm for me results in shut down, and loss of energy. I’ve known this for a long time, but only in the last few years have I really acknowledged it and admitted to myself that there are just some things that I cannot do and still function at the level of energy that I want to. This has been both discouraging and freeing. I don’t have to spend two days sleeping after a weekend festival, or an entire day decompressing after a workshop with 30 other people, or yearn for a day or two of total isolation after being “out in the world” and interacting with a lot of people for a day or two.
I know my limitations, yet still, I try to overcome them, plough through them and be a part of life s we know it. It’s presently feeling like a hard place to be - as in between a rock and….

Spending time alone is comforting and fulfilling to me, and keeps me centered and calm; but I am a social creature, so miss friendships and social interaction. I would love to have a fun and fulfilling friendship or two, but know that the “getting out there” that it takes to have that is often more than I want to do. It is this place of finding balance between alone time and public time that I currently reside. It is feeling lonely and frustrating. A lot.

So I come out to nature for help. Nature is perfect. There is no resistance in nature. No struggle. No judgments or comparing. All things grow where and when it is right. Leaves fall, buds bloom, vines crawl, clouds float, trees bend, rain falls. Trees don’t wonder if they’re growing too tall; shrubs don’t wish they were fish; clouds don’t try to move against the wind currents. Everything in Nature is in right and perfect order. And so are we. We really are exactly where we need to be, doing and feeling what is right and perfect for us in the moment. I am reminded of this when I am out in nature. Do I actually surrender to it, and trust it is true of my own life? Well, not right away, for sure. Usually, I am so worked up over something, that by the time I actually get outside, breathe, and observe, I am so overcome with the beauty, majesty, and perfection of where I am, and what I see and feel, that, ironically, I go into overwhelm!!!!

This is what has happened this morning. Crazy, I know. But I have stayed with it, just let myself be here for a while longer, let my brain settle down, and my heart know that it’s okay for me to be a part of such intense beauty. Slowly, I have come around to a place of calm. Mesmerized by the millions of sun diamonds dancing on the waves, the constant up and down and back and forth frothy sway of the waves, the sounds that they create, and the smell of the surf, I am beginning to just enjoy being here. Sun above me, sand below me, gentle breeze around me. All is well. For now, I guess I have all the friends I need!