letter to a friend....

I have some great email 'pen pals' that write some great stuff!  One, JA, writes these powerful letters that just make me cry, they are so rich.  We are big fans of each others' writing; after I ask her permission, I'll post one of her letters.  In the meantime, I will post one that I'd written to her, prior to her response that I should write a book!  Yep, a dream that I and so many others have......
Since she liked it so much, I will share it here, and hope you do, too!  xoxo Maria

oh, JoAnn, thank you for this note!  I had been thinking of you last week, and wow! that I hadn't been in touch in a long time!  I swear, most days, I don't really feel like I'm living on the same planet Earth that I used to....time and situations just move and morph so fast, that I just wake up each day, say some prayers, breathe in and out 3 times to my heart, think of 3 things that I want and feel how that would feel, praise God for my lungs, legs, home, and health, and just wait to see what the day holds.  It is just a trip.  No 2 days are remotely the same, I am able to move through pain and disillusionment more quickly than before, I am facing fears on a regular basis, and my reward for everything is getting to walk over to the ocean (gulf!) and just BE for a while!

 

Work is so fun, when it is available.  I love, love, love, the place I work and my co-workers; I feel really at home where I am, and for the most part, have plenty to keep me busy.  I do miss, though, a good friend to go hang out with.  But Mel says that will take time.  My cat is my sweetie now; just got her a cat door today, so she can come and go more easily.  Until now, she had to either stay in or out for hours, depending on my schedule.  As she is nocturnal, she is always wanting out between 11p - 5a.  Not my best hours for hanging out outside!!!!  :)

 

Winter here is mild, though we have had some good cold stuff, in the 30's..........2 days later, tho, it's back in the 60's, like Tucson.  There is a lot of gloomy weather, though, which is weird.  I'm so used to sunshine!!!  AND I like the sun!  :)  One good thing is that I'm getting used to, and not afraid of, driving in the rain.  One more thing, fear, I have overcome since being here.  I'll tell you, I am learning so much about myself here.  It really is like I'm in another world!  And it's nice being far from my family.  I like not being part of their drama anymore.  I still love them and am in touch with them (when they choose to be in touch with me is more like it...........), but get to be where I am more me.  You know??

 

I am MUCH better than I have been since I arrived.  Two things happened that have helped. One, I just let go my worry about money.  It was making me SO old looking, and was ruining my joy in life!  When I made a list of everything that was good in my life, there were like 400 things.  When I made a list of what wasn't so great, there was one thing.  Money.  So I decided to just surrender, and THAT was huge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And interestingly, my money has gotten better!!  Isn't that funny?  The other thing is that I started taking SamE, something Mel and anothte r friend had told me about a while back for their won use and reasons.  It's meant for joint flexibility, which I could use to keep my hands and arms flexible for massage, but another use is for depression.  And I'll tell you, I think it has really helped me stay away from the mood slumps that I was experiencing since I got here (and maybe before I moved!!!)  I am SO grateful because being bummed out is just hard for me to move away from or out of on my own. 

 

So thank you for all of your prayers.  I KNOW that my life is blessed and healed through others' prayers.  And I know that you pray for me, Jo Ann.  You are so dear, so devoted, and so full of love and caring.  Don't think I don't notice or appreciate that my life is better because of your love for me and your prayer.  And please know that I send prayers your way, as well, for all of your family, for love, safety, comfort, and more.  You all are such great and cool people!  I feel really blessed to know you.  And REALLY grateful for you writing!!!!  Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yesterday was a gloomy, rainy day, and I got to spend a LONg time on the computer; got all my emails cleared out, updated and read,  and now can keep ahead of correspondence, I hope, more regularly.  That stuff can get so out of hand!!!  As I also do all of my bill paying and banking online, there's a lot to keep up with!  I actually really love technology, and am doing my best to use it welll.  Just got an MP3 player, which I love!  Don't know how to use it to its fullest yet, but, like everything else, am taking it a step at a time.

 

OK, dear, best go.  I love you and all of your family and love of your family.  Glad you had a good holiday and that you are all together.  Know that Leese is in my prayers.  God works miracles all the time.  And timing is everything!  Chris has a light in him that is only under a bushel basket right now, searching for its way out.  He IS the light, right?  So he shall find a way to let it shine, to be the light that he is.  As shall we all. 

AMEN!  :)

 

Love galore to you, my Divine friend here on Earth!!! xoxo Maria

Over overwhelm!

January 7, 2011

It is really easy for me to get overwhelmed. I don’t “do” Christmas, I avoid malls, dance clubs make me reel, and festivals, classes, and parties with too many people and activity make me want to take a nap. At parties and gatherings, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. It’s quiet and solitary. I also eat a lot, out of nervousness, I suppose. Overwhelm for me results in shut down, and loss of energy. I’ve known this for a long time, but only in the last few years have I really acknowledged it and admitted to myself that there are just some things that I cannot do and still function at the level of energy that I want to. This has been both discouraging and freeing. I don’t have to spend two days sleeping after a weekend festival, or an entire day decompressing after a workshop with 30 other people, or yearn for a day or two of total isolation after being “out in the world” and interacting with a lot of people for a day or two.
I know my limitations, yet still, I try to overcome them, plough through them and be a part of life s we know it. It’s presently feeling like a hard place to be - as in between a rock and….

Spending time alone is comforting and fulfilling to me, and keeps me centered and calm; but I am a social creature, so miss friendships and social interaction. I would love to have a fun and fulfilling friendship or two, but know that the “getting out there” that it takes to have that is often more than I want to do. It is this place of finding balance between alone time and public time that I currently reside. It is feeling lonely and frustrating. A lot.

So I come out to nature for help. Nature is perfect. There is no resistance in nature. No struggle. No judgments or comparing. All things grow where and when it is right. Leaves fall, buds bloom, vines crawl, clouds float, trees bend, rain falls. Trees don’t wonder if they’re growing too tall; shrubs don’t wish they were fish; clouds don’t try to move against the wind currents. Everything in Nature is in right and perfect order. And so are we. We really are exactly where we need to be, doing and feeling what is right and perfect for us in the moment. I am reminded of this when I am out in nature. Do I actually surrender to it, and trust it is true of my own life? Well, not right away, for sure. Usually, I am so worked up over something, that by the time I actually get outside, breathe, and observe, I am so overcome with the beauty, majesty, and perfection of where I am, and what I see and feel, that, ironically, I go into overwhelm!!!!

This is what has happened this morning. Crazy, I know. But I have stayed with it, just let myself be here for a while longer, let my brain settle down, and my heart know that it’s okay for me to be a part of such intense beauty. Slowly, I have come around to a place of calm. Mesmerized by the millions of sun diamonds dancing on the waves, the constant up and down and back and forth frothy sway of the waves, the sounds that they create, and the smell of the surf, I am beginning to just enjoy being here. Sun above me, sand below me, gentle breeze around me. All is well. For now, I guess I have all the friends I need!
　
　

From the archives...........What I learned this weekend...

March 15, 2011

From journaling............

What I learned this weekend….

I’m never alone.
All I ask for, I receive.
I’m always “on track.”
There’s magic everywhere - even if I don’t see it.
Someone’s always going to love me.
Someone’s always new to me.
There’s always a way out, through, and around!
Most of my fears don’t happen.
Most of my fears are unreal.
None of my fears are real.
There are lots of enemies to vanquish.
No one’s as happy as they seem.
All ways of sleeping are good.
Magic’s all in my believing.
Truth’s the best way, all ways.
No matter’s too big for me to tackle.
My mother’s always with me.
My arms are strong.
Most of my wishes are already here.
Telling myself the truth helps a lot.
There are plenty of options always.
If I’m alone, I’m always happy.
Thinking things out is a good way to be busy.
Watching the sunset’s a therapy.
My mind’s busier than my stomach.
Will I ever really “get” this life?
Many messages come for me.
The best way of recovering is to be alone, and with myself.
　

Spirit's gifts................

November 3, 2011

Spirit gifted me with a ten-day vacation, and I mistook it for a punishment, a trip to hell. If I didn’t know how great God forgives, I would be embarrassed. Somewhere along the way, though, I suspected that I was in the middle of a huge hug, an opportunity that I’d wished for, dreamed of, for years. And would revel in it for a while from time to time. Greatly.

I went and lay on the beach one day, for an hour, in the MIDDLE of the day! On a WEEKday! And I took yoga classes across the bridge several times. I went and walked on the beach and sat in meditation on Thursday. I watched all the past episodes of Parks and Recreation that I’d missed from Season Three. I got a pedicure and gave a massage.

And then my brain, my Beta brain (the thinker, analyzer, complainer, criticizer….) showed back up, reciting all its old verses of “What if….” and “OH, NO!” and “You’ll never….” and “You’ve gotta DO something”! “NOW!” And I was back in the fear, angst, disappointment, frustration, and downright depression that are side-effects of listening to it. It is the voice that reminds me to compare myself to others, recall and highlight past failures, and focus strictly on what is NOT. Huge crazy-making, for sure. There are ways around it, and sometimes I actually remember to use them and avoid the pain and damage that it can bring. As I had done earlier in the week. I had a great insight!

Of all the things that go right in my life, and all the things that show up as abundance, there is one that lingers and hovers that is about “not enough.” It is my finances, my “money issues.” And it is one tough booger who will not be dismissed easily. Or with force. It is just here for me, and as far as I can remember, always has been. No matter how much I work or don’t work, spend or don’t spend, budget, travel, scrimp, splurge, etc. (YOU get the idea!), I seem to come up short pretty much all the time. Never enough. Oh, there have been times when I was rolling in the dough (and loving it!), but those times always ended, and reverted back to struggle and lack. Believe me, I’ve done a ton of work around this, and still can’t seem to change the tide. SO I decided last week that that’s just part of my life now. Being angry about it hasn’t changed it. Working more, striving more, pushing more haven’t changed it. Worrying about it hasn’t changed it. Not worrying about it hasn’t changed it. So I decided to throw in the towel, accept what was and go on living life like it didn’t matter. Because clearly, it doesn’t. My finances have a mind of their own, and some sort of lesson for me to learn, but to date, I have not found what that is, so I decided to let it be. And the freedom and relief that I felt were huge! I felt like I’d just been let out of prison with a parting gift to boot! I spent two days just doing what I wanted to do. I went out to lunch at a real restaurant! I bought a new bra and a camera battery! I bought flowers, potting soil and a pot! Yes, I went crazy! J Pros in the business will tell you to do what you’d do if you were wealthy, with no money worries, and the brain will be tricked and thus begin to attract wealth your way. A natural law of the universe, power of attraction. So I went with it. And was having a great time. Not really magnetizing any big bucks my way, but really enjoying the experience of actually having what I wanted without the scrutinizing boss haranguing away at my head all the time. And feeling good about life in general. Imagine that!

And then, when I wasn’t on the lookout, the Beta brain took over. Was I in the shower and singing too loudly? Was there thunder outside that was really loud? Or was I just having too good a time, trusting too much in life and the goodness of the universe, that I will always have what I need and want? I dare think it to be the latter. For boom! There it was. The reminder that I hadn’t worked in FOUR days! Hadn’t generated any income or prospects of income that WHOLE time! WHAT was I THINKing!!!!????? It sideswiped me and took my breath away. I froze in fear and worry, believing its barreling voice and convincing arguments. I quit getting up at 5a to exercise and meditate. I counted all my money to make sure I had enough (or to remind myself that it WASN’T enough is more like it!). I went to work on more ideas of ways to start working more and bringing in income while the slow season for massage held on. Sometimes, this process can be invigorating and exciting, giving me a nudge toward the new and untried. And sometimes (more and more), it is just a reminder of how much work I do for so little return, and is exhausting. This is currently the feeling. I’m exhausted. Of pushing and trying, of just missing the boat, of not having what I need, and of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s discouraging, and all of that is what hit me a few days ago. It hit me hard, knocked me to my knees, and left me staggering without a hope in the world of reversing or resolving it. My body starting hurting. My right shoulder, overnight, developed a stabbing pain that didn’t allow me to move it much at all.

So rather than do what I WANTED to do, curl up in a ball in a dark room, in bed, I decided to go to a yoga class, and move my body, be among other people, and do my best to come out of my funk for a while. The cloud lifted a bit, and then I could feel the tears and the nausea moving around, shouting out for attention. Letting the tears come as they would, I just sat and cried, and then again, sat and breathed until the stabbing pain in my stomach subsided some. Finally, I had to just lie on the floor and close my eyes. It was in that place that a different voice came to me. The voice of ME, my spirit, my God self, I suppose. “You are TRYING so hard!! We are giving you gifts of freedom, yet you insist on hanging on to the past. You are holding on so tightly, that is why your shoulder is so sore. Let go! Let go! Surrender. That’s what it’s all about. Surrender.” Wow! It just made so much sense, and in that moment of hearing this great logic, I just let loose, bawled, and knew it was pure truth. My body relaxed, my heart relaxed, my mind relaxed! It was a terrific sensation, for sure. The part of me that committed to surrender lay there a while longer on the mat, while the thinking part of me was not sure what just happened and wanted to leap up, embarrassed for the diversion from the “normal” practice for the hour. Luckily, though, we both stayed there and let be what was. Within a few hours, my shoulder was nearly back to its usual fluid self. Amazing.

So I am still going in and out of the blues, uncertainty, fear, etc., but feel more and more that I AM being given a vacation to do whatever I want to do to make me happy, let my spirit be free and relaxed, and trust that I will have plenty to do very soon. That NOW is a time to live without worry, and to immerse myself in meditation and prayer, exercise, dance, and writing, so that my soul can see what is important to me and give me lots of it.

Hence, this writing. It frees the words from my mind, to allow something else to move through it and manifest in magical ways. It has taken me almost two weeks to sit and do this, despite the fact that I am writing articles, stories, observations, and antidotes all the time in my head. I love to write. It lets me bring life to the page, the page to the life that I live. I find it to be a most fascinating life, and one worth sharing. I dream of writing for a living, and hope that this is one of my ‘spirited action’ steps toward that goal. If I am to be a cheerleader for others to live their dreams, something else near and dear to my heart, then I must take the steps myself to do what I love, let it come easily, and allow what is next the space to unfold as it will. This is the stuff that magic is made of. And I do love the magic!! Like a ten-day vacation out of nowhere, no strings attached!!! J

Eleven font

November 8, 2011 (11/8/11)

In honor of all the elevens in this month, I’m changing my font size from twelve to eleven!

See? It IS easy to start writing! Just write about SOMEthing! ANYthing!!

And then I had to get up and get something to eat. And wash my face. Then check all my saved voicemails. And in a minute, I feel certain, make a phone call or two.

It’s SO hard to sit and write! I think of things I want to write about all the time! I even write the first couple of sentences or paragraphs in my head. Gee! Even in my head I get distracted! Wonder why I never write a whole article or story in my head. On a similar, but not really, note, sometimes in the middle of the night, I wake up, and am writing a poem in my mind. More like it’s writing, singing itself to me, and I think how cool and beautiful it is and want to write it down when I wake up. But, alas, I’m lulled back to sleep by it, and upon waking, can only remember the loveliness of its presence in my mind.

I love my dreams sometimes. SOMEtimes! Sometimes, they are crazy and frenetic and scary and ridiculous and unsettling. I wake up unnerved, feeling like I should be looking over my shoulder all day. I’m never sure what brought about these dreams, or if I’m supposed to glean some deep meaning for my life from them; mostly, I just ask the Dream Guardians to release me from their spell. I guess it works, because I’m still pretty sane. I guess.

The good dreams, though, are really good, when one of my cats or a friend will show up and hang out with me. Last week, I was REALLY missing my friend, Christopher, who died in 2000. As far as I can tell, I’ve had two soul mates in my life so far. One was Christopher, who was gay, and Sparky, who was a cat. Go figure. They are both gone (from Earth), and both show up in my dreams from time to time. As I was saying, I’d been really missing Christopher one day, and so called on him, told him I missed him, and hoped he was doing OK where he was. That night, he was in my dream!!! As usual, in the dream, at the time, I didn’t really “get” that it was him, or why it was so special, but I did remember hugging him, and at one point, feeling like he and I were becoming one person. Weird sensation, even for a dream!! The next day, when I remembered that I’d dreamed about him (rather, with him!), I was thrilled! It made me know that he can hear me and is with me all the time, and wants to see me as much as I want to see him! The same thing has happened with my cats, Zenith and Sparky. The weird thing is that sometimes, they will be in horrible shape - mangled, diseased, or nearly in shreds. I’m not sure why, because there are other times when they are fine, and I can actually pet them. Oh, what a feeling THAT is!!! For anyone who has lost a pet, you know how great it would be to be able to see them again, pet them, feel their presence. And so I think that it is totally possible.

I have a girlfriend who has periodic visits from her husband (who passed away nine years ago) in her dreams. Only with her, she knows at the time that it’s not a dream, but a prayer answered, a longing soothed, a chance to touch his face, hear his voice, and even see where it is he lives! They have entire conversations sometimes in her dreams. They hold hands and kiss, laugh and cry, talk of what was and what is now. I marvel at her gift and ability to discern fantasy from divinity. If there is a difference! J

I’m learning that the lines between worlds are more and more frail, that the space is less, and that the energies are a lot more alike than has been the case in the past. Dreams are sometimes just an extension of life here on earth. Speaking with the Divine brings nearly immediate results. And what used to seem like quirky circumstance, we know now, is not the case. That our prayers and thoughts are always heard, and that we are always supported and never alone. I am told that, when thinking of someone, whether with regret or joy, wonder or anger, to send them love and light. That they will receive it, perhaps even feel it right then. That when we do, WE are filled with more light, more love, and move even closer to Heaven, as it were, to become one with Divinity, in such a way that it is unmistakable.

A number of years ago, after knowing of this concept and practice, I was in my yard raking and pulling weeds one late afternoon. A good friend came to mind, and I just had the fondest feeling for her. Being in the sunshine, and knowing that she was working (and struggling for several weeks), I just mentally sent her the blast of love and sun’s warmth that I was feeling right then, and continued on with my yard work, not giving it another thought. (This thought, like every other one each of us has, was replaced by yet another 10,000 more!) The next day, we were talking about her recent job in the next town over. It had been a tough and long day the day before, but she mentioned that, strikingly, as she was driving home in the late afternoon, feeling weary and sad, she sensed something warm and positive around her. She said she sat up at the wheel, felt herself smiling, and suddenly felt completely different than a few minutes before. “I can’t really explain it; I just felt loved and warm. It was the best feeling!” Wow. It took me a minute to catch the connection, but when I did the math (so to speak), I realized that her sensation was happening at about the same time my thoughts of her were happening! It was so cool! Ever since then, I have believed in the power of thought, of prayer, of sending energy, light, and love, to those I know and those I don’t. Because I know that others do it for me, and provide me with a strength and hope that I didn’t have before. People that know me and people that don’t. And those that I can see and those that I cannot. It is a great sensation to know that I am never alone, and that if I keep my eyes open, I will see confirmation of it everywhere.

In the phone call from a friend at just the right time. In a group of pelicans flying overhead just as I look up. In a song on the radio that I’d been singing and wanting to hear. And in the words on a page that somehow, with a little help from me, seem to write themselves, letting what’s within shine outward.

Who would know what writing about the date could bring about? I guess it’s just about having the intention, and taking one step toward it. Yea!
　
　
　
　

Monarchs are here!

October 20, 2011

The monarch butterflies are here! They’re everywhere, and they are lovely! They’re not the standard yellow and black ones that I remember as a kid, but rather, a darker orange butterfly with smaller wings. Usually, I see them in pairs, which is a treat in its own right. As there are some great native wildflowers around right now, they are in their element, flitting about, dipping and dancing, full of energy and life.

My neighbor and her granddaughter looked up the Monarch, and found that the ones migrating through here are fourth generation! That the first three went through the whole series of pupae, larvae, etc., but lived only a short time, to finally produce this group that will fly to South America AND BACK within a year! That is some serious genetics!

They’ve been her for a couple of weeks now, with what seemed to be their peak last weekend. They were all over the place, in big numbers - I noticed a lot on the highway, dive bombing my car. I’m guessing those are not some that will be visiting South America.

It’s been a blessed treat to see so many of them, everywhere! Butterfly, in Indian Medicine, represents transformation and beauty. Two things I am glad to be living right now.

Life is Easier

October 18, 2011

Life for me continues to get easier. Electronics have helped, certainly. I don’t have to remember phone numbers anymore - they’re in my phone. Heck, I don’t even have to DIAL phone numbers anymore! Just push a couple of buttons. And the internet keeps getting faster and faster, so I can buy online (save on driving and hunting), write letters online, (save on postage and paper!), find people online (eliminate 411 cost and hassle), and pay bills online. At the gas pump, I don’t have to go inside and pay anymore. Just swipe my card right there at the pump. Same with self service at the grocery store. It’s all around me, and I am oh, so grateful! I love ease!

Another area where my life has gotten easier and better overall is in my work. And it is through this that I’ve had something of an epiphany. When I first moved here, it seemed that EVERYthing was difficult, hard, challenging! Nothing was going smoothly, and when something DID happen, it seemed to be contrary to my desires. For example, I could not find a job anywhere in the area. It was high season, should’ve been a breeze to find something, but NO. I’d taken all the credit and coursework for my FL massage license, but wasn’t sure how long it would take, and even then, if I could find work in the field. So I was looking for work in just about every field imaginable! I even checked out being the ice cream truck gal! And couldn’t get THAT!!!

What I did finally get was a waitress job. A half hour away. (I don’t like to drive.) (Unless it’s a road trip!) It was at a BBQ place. (I’m a vegetarian/vegan.) The money was way minimal. And the owner and manager were on my bu-- every day, all day, about something that I hadn’t done right. Wow. Like my self esteem wasn’t already low enough. But I learned a lot in the time I was there, was truly grateful for the opportunity it offered me, and now have a tremendous appreciation for waiters - especially good ones!

While I was there, my license came in, and I could start looking for massage work, which I did immediately. So my second job here was doing beachside massage. Surely, a step up. Financially, geographically, and energetically. I was more in my element and closer to home, was doing what I knew and loved, and had more control over my schedule. AND I had a boss that had a way of pushing my “not enough” buttons. Once again, I was reminded of what all I wasn’t, couldn’t and shouldn’t. There seemed no escaping it! So I suffered through that for a while until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I found my limit, found my voice, and found a new respect from my teacher and boss.

From there, I have had 3 other employers, and each time, each one has a better space, a clearer sense of themselves, a kinder disposition, and better pay! The good news is that where I am now, I am loved, respected, and encouraged. It is so wonderful!!! I love being there, working there, being reminded of all that I AM, and being supported by others who are positive and moving through their challenges with courage and love.

It makes me excited to know that something even better is unfolding, and that each time something happens that I don’t like or that feels contrary to what I really desire, it is only showing up so I can be clear on what I DON’T want, and change what I can to be more in alignment with what I DO want. Understanding this has let me view the challenges as more like gifts, and that is huge to me! The more that I know the difficult situations and people are only ways to get me to where I want to be, the more willing I am to face my fears and deal with what is in front of me with courage, enthusiasm, and the expectation of a positive outcome!!!