Finding what I need........

April 6, 2011

I'm surprised at how closely tied I feel to my computer.  It's been on the fritz for almost two weeks, and the frustrating part is that it kind of works, but then quits.  Just enough to keep me trying.  If I just leave it off and don't use it or think about it, I still live life, and still have what I need.  And then some. This is curious.
Life is curious. 

I keep lots of paper and pens, notebooks and pencils around - in my purse, backpack, and car.  Lots of things written down that every now and then, I go back over and read.  One thing I saw yesterday was the lyric from a song on a Christian radio that I heard some weeks back.  I loved it, wrote it down......................

"We pour out our miseries,
God hears a melody.
Beautiful, the mess we are:
the honest cries, the broken heart,                             
are better than an alleluia, sometimes."

The melody was cool, too!

I also found this, written, probably, in a parking lot somewhere, with the music on.............

Hoping for deliverance
caught in the undertow -
Bad weather's moving in -
Heartache's scrambling for a way out.

Memorizing words of gratitude
in case I'm forgetful
on my way out.

Holy cow, the dairy's in my past.
No one's counting calories -
let the corn chips fall where they may.

Hopin' I'll open the checkbook and
find black therein.

Maybe wishing's not the right way out -
maybe wanting's not the first choice in decisions -\
making up ways to downshift on the
way -too-steep grade.
Nothing's holiding me back -
I just can't run any faster.

No one's any closer to the finish line
than anyone else.
We're taking steps towards our own lives -
nothing ventured, nothing gained.

That's it for now!!!!  Blessings to you!!! 

Cool clouds............

April 3, 2011        

You wanna see something cool?  Whenever there's a cirrus cloud right by the sun, block out the sun with your hand, and look up at the cloud through sunglasses.  There will likely be a blend of turquoise, hot pink, and green swirling around the cloud.  You can achieve much the same effect by looking at the sun through a pigeon or dove feather! 

I took a pic of just this, through my sunglasses - gives you an idea, anyway.  Enjoy!!!  

"Your wake-up call...."

April 1, 2011

          It is so easy to feel like we don’t matter.

          That we’re not doing enough.

          That we could disappear and no one would notice.

Ok, that last one’s a little extreme, but it’s probably safe to say that we’ve all felt like that at some time (I was going to write ‘at one time or another.’  Is that the same as “at sometime?”)

This week has been one of some freedom, release, and pure pleasure for me.  I had a place all to myself for a whole week.  I left dad’s house on Friday and will return tomorrow, Saturday.  I had a week of just me.  (Yeah, just me and my thoughts! J)  It was wonderful!!!  And interestingly, as much as I’d thought it would look like something of a vacation – sleeping in, watching some movies, writing, drawing – it was actually a really productive week that allowed me to push through some limits and open new doors. Aaahh!!   And so, as life is, just as I stepped over a few speed bumps, my voices of “Oh, no!!!  NOW what!?” started clamoring around, and I started feeling that cry of, “Why bother??  No one will 1) notice, 2) care, or (YIKES!) 3)WANT YOU.  (Ugh.  Having just discovered this as a predominant voice somewhere inside of me, my heart is sad!  AND now I know it’s there……)

So I was easily lured into the familiar conversation (No…..MONOlogue!) of “I don’t matter.”  This especially shows up with my commitment to writing and sharing it on my blog.  There seem to be so many things that get in the way of a decision / commitment.  I guess it’s safe to say that that’s a good way to tell if I’m committed to something – I see a lot of “stuff” show up that could easily keep me from it.  I guess our commitments want to see how serious we are, and in a way, test us and our resolve.

Between my computer getting a virus, me being in a strange tailspin most of the time, and my fear of putting my words out to be seen by others (ooh!  didn’t know THAT was there til just now…), I have let writing go by the wayside for many days in a row.  I figured, “Why bother?  Who really reads it anyway?”  Wow.  Not too productive.  So I grabbed my notebook and started writing down some ideas to get back on track to feel positive and to make a difference, doing something that I love.  Just then, the phone in my room rang.

10:42. I figured it was the front desk man reminding me of my noon checkout. 

“Hello?”

Automated voice.

“This is your wake-up call.”

“What?!”  I hung up and just stood there for a few seconds, not sure exactly what just happened, then just cracked UP!!!  Is Life just hilarious or What?!

So now that I was awake (J), I went to the lobby and checked my email, and there in front of me was a long, beautiful letter from a friend in Tucson, telling me that she loves reading my blogs!  That the last one I wrote inspired her to tell the truth to some of her family members, in the way of letting them know what she needed from them.  AND she wanted to buy one of the drawings I’d done!  Wow.  When you least expect it. 

What did I get from this?  That we DO matter, and even when we don’t know it, we are always touching someone in some way.  Everything that we do matters and is important.  That sometimes, we / I can be fortunate enough to hear the confirmation of our beliefs and hopes. 

And that it is best if I write every day, whether I share it or not, whether I think it is of significance or not.  That what moves through my pen is not about me.  It is about moving Spirit energy, and doing what I love to do as an affirmation of what my gifts are.  In doing what I can do, I am open to finding more of what I can do that I don’t know yet.  I’m excited!   Thank you for caring, and for doing something that you love, even when you don’t think anyone else notices or cares.  YOU do, and that is what matters most!    

Truth's deception

March 16, 2011

Having to tell the truth is hard. Telling the truth is harder still. AND the truth shall set you free

It did me, for a while. I used to think that telling the truth and facing my fears would send them off into never-never land, never to be seen again. As of late, however, my current theory (based on experience!) is that fear may leave, but it’s so mad to be gone, that it sends in its little warriors to just mess with me, to test my courage and conviction, my strength and stamina, and to see if I cave to what FEAR figured that it was all along - the boss!
(FEAR is an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real”…….)

Just this week, on Monday, I faced a huge fear (huge to me!) of deciding to really move from my dad’s house, of going out into the great unknown with seemingly few resources, of bailing on him when he needs help, and of facing his possible anger when I told him. It wasn’t the THAT I was moving that could set him off, but the WHY. It’s hard to tell a parent that they are emotionally draining and demanding, more than being too physically in need. It was for me, anyway.

 And I did it.

Telling him this seemingly simple decision or piece of information seemed to represent for me all the years
(50 some!) of holding back my truth and my feelings, for fear of being verbally insulted, assaulted and impuned. So it really felt great - to quit worrying and fearing, and just tell my truth, face my terror, and know that whatever the outcome, I would be OK.
 Not being afraid of him anymore is pretty much a dragon slain.

The next day, yesterday, seemed to be really good. I felt calmer than I had in a long time; detached would be a fitting word. I made phone calls, filled out paperwork, and did reading that I’d put off for several weeks. My creativity was high, my energy was even and positive, and my faith in what is possible was renewed.

And then TODAY, the warriors came in, heavily armed and relentless.
Taking in all my paperwork for the second time to an accountant to do my taxes, I found that I STILL didn’t have everything that I needed, and would have to come back yet again. This, coupled with just another reminder, in black and white, of how much I don’t have financially, took me by the nape of the neck, and flung me headlong into a black funk. I could feel it coming for me, tried to run, but missed the mark. Those dam warriors!!! They are GOOD!
To try to get out of the spiraling funk, I decided to do something productive. Like look for somewhere to move. Called apartment managers, Craigslist ads, and people renting rooms. Could it GET any more depressing???!!!! Clearly not. Adding insult to injury is the phrase, I believe.
I’d had enough.

After saying a prayer to Archangel Michael (“Please help me, Please help me, Please help me!!”), I mustered up enough energy to get out of my own way and deal with one of dad’s dilemmas, make some phone calls, and write.
 This.
It may not necessarily be a way OUT, but it’s certainly a way Through.

My point, I guess, and I think I had one…………is that when I do face a fear, everything that had been hiding behind it also has a chance to come up and be aired. Those are the creatures that I was not aware of when dueling with the original FEAR, and even though they are just as cruel, harsh, and scary, I see now that they are just as illusionary, draining on my energy and creativity, and ready to be dispelled as their original namesake.
For this realization, I am most grateful! It lets me anticipate some fallout after dealing with fear and truth, and know that when it comes, it’s a goodsign!

Just writing this has given me a whole new outlook, burst of energy, and an honest-to-god smile! There’s got to be a pony in here some where!

Thank you for listening, for caring, and for slaying your own dragons, armed, perhaps, with nothing more than faith and a desire to be true to who you really are. That YOU is love!!! You have my support and love! Maria

Artwork and soulwork

                               

March 13, 2011              
Started cleaning out drawers, boxes, and my closet last week. (Amazing how fast I have settled in, spread out, and accumulated stuff!)  Time for movin' is near, it feels.

In the cleaning out, I saw my pastels, which I haven't used since I got here.  I had missed them!  So I went and got a drawing pad, and have had fun.  Especially since I think I had been waiting for the right time, enough space, yakkity, yakkity, and then just decided to DO IT.  Draw, express, release, relax, let go!  Some of the "drawings" express anger and frustration, others let me feel the peace and detail of life.  Here they are. 

They are on 9 x 12 paper, and are available to you, for a love donation $!$!$!  Enjoy!!! 
     

  

Winds of Change 3/10/11

March 10, 2011                                     


The winds of change have been gale force these past several weeks. Days have blown one into the other, and when nighttime comes and I’ve made it through one more day intact, I am grateful, and then I pass out.

The aspirations I had of writing every day about my “adventures” or experiences have recently been replaced by a journal of all my dad’s daily antics. Um, I mean activities. Or lack thereof. The changes he was going through were so fast and dramatic, that I felt like I wanted to have something to look back on, to be able to note when a certain behavior or symptom or function became different, or disappeared altogether. The daily logs got longer and longer, with more and more detail, and finally, after nearly two months, I decided it was too much. That it ALL was too much. And then began the downward spiral. The energies that at one time felt helpful and positive became stagnant and hostile. I couldn’t seem to get out of my own way, I was tired all of the time, I couldn’t stand to be around my dad, was tired of doing for him all the time, and could only focus on what all was wrong and rotten.

Material for crazy-making. There were a few incidents that brought me to my knees, took me to meltdown and breakdown, and forced me to take action. The proverbial two-by-four, you might say, and it was much needed! I finally saw clearly, and mostly, admitted to myself, that I am NOT happy at all, quite the opposite, and that what I had deemed to be my responsibility really wasn’t at all. I am not responsible for my dad’s happiness or health. Ultimately, HE is.

It is said that anger is a great gift, a tool that gets us moving out of stuckness. In my case, it certainly was.

Things have since gotten both worse and better. I am facing some huge fears right now that have lingered way too long with me in my life, and are clearly ready to be transformed into something much more loving. Thank you for being with me on this journey, and know that you are with me in each struggle and victory, each breakdown and breakthrough, and each challenge and reward.

Hold tightly to your dreams. Know that they are coming true before you now. You are healed and loved.
 We are all in this together. Love, love, Love, Maria                

Haiku, love and the ocean

Humming, lost in waves,
mind and soul fly above me.
Ocean is my home.

Seagulls wink at me
Crabs pretend to hide from me.
I know I am home.

My heart opens fast
when coming to the ocean.
Waves remember me.

Aaahh, they're in my blood,
and call me home once again,
my loves, sea and sand.